Hey, Faggot:

Where do you get off advising heterosexuals about their problems? Where do you get off advising men about women, or even worse, advising women when you don’t even fuck them?

Heterosexuals, take my advice: Don’t take advice from someone who doesn’t have sex with women. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I don’t know what your credentials are to advise homosexuals, but you have no credentials to advise heterosexuals. So go walk down Castro Street with your faggy friends, be sure to wear a condom before you stick your dick in another guy’s shit, keep up on the latest HIV statistics because homosexual men are still getting infected with AIDS despite knowing what behaviors lead up to it, but don’t you dare advise heterosexuals on their love lives! –Pissed

Hey, P:

Where do I “get off advising heterosexuals” about their sex lives? Well, by simple virtue of my being gay. The average gay person does a lot more reading and thinking and doing about sexuality, sexual identity, and sex acts than the average breeder. To understand myself, who I am and why I am, I’ve had to confront issues of sexuality–hetero and homo–on a level that you, Pissed, haven’t had to. For straight people sexuality is a simple matter of fact: you’re straight, nothing to be conflicted about, you can obsess about other stuff. But for queers sexuality is the $64,000 question, the central mystery of our existence (beginning with “Why me, God?”), and thus our primary obsession–we have to find answers or go nuts.

Additionally, gays are better at sex than straight people. When a man luvs a woman, much is assumed: what goes where, what’s on the menu, who gets penetrated. With gay sex, nothing is assumed. No “slot A, tab B” shortcuts for us–confronted with slot-slot, tab-tab, we’ve no choice but to talk it out. We are compelled to communicate–breeders are not. And communication makes a person better at sex.

And I’m qualified to comment specifically on heterosexuality by virtue of my exposure to the phenomenon: I was raised by heterosexuals, most of the people in my extended family are heterosexuals, most of the people I work with, went to school with, meet at parties, read about in books and magazines, see in movies, watch on television, etc, etc, are heterosexuals. And most gay people, myself included, have had breeder sex. Postpuberty and pre-coming out, I identified as straight. I had girlfriends, we fucked. I lost my virginity to a girl named Wanda. The first blow job I ever got was from a girl named Sue. Have you given a blow job, Pissed? I’ve had vaginal intercourse; have you had anal intercourse? Well, then, who’s the expert here?

Finally, yes, gay men are still becoming infected with HIV at alarming rates. But a lot of gay men who “know better” yet take unreasonable risks are acting out feelings of self-hatred and low self-esteem. And who teaches gay men to hate themselves? Not other gay men: straight families, churches, and schools stuff self-hatred down our throats. We grow up and act on that self-hatred by drinking, drugging, smoking, or fucking ourselves to death. Teach young queers their lives are worthless, and they’ll throw their lives away. Then those same families, churches, and schools have the gall to point to the self-destructive behavior their attitudes toward homosexuality create as evidence of gay and lesbian moral inferiority! The mind fairly boggles.

Hey, Faggot:

I read with great interest the letter from “Desperate in Illinois.” I would be quite willing to assist him in losing his virginity. Looks, weight, age, income, etc mean absolutely nothing to me. I am very experienced. I have had sex with thousands of men and women from the age of 11 to my present age of 30 years. Yet I chose never to make any kind of emotional attachment, as my heart and soul belong only to myself.

My qualifications of a physical variety are thus: age 30; height 5’5″; weight 120; hair blond; eyes hazel; 34C-24-35; dress size 7. If you think I might qualify, I will be able to take a vacation by midsummer to take care of Desperate in Illinois’ problem. He can reach me by my pager….Thank you for your time and attention in this matter. –Katie

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 24-year-old hetero white female who regularly reads your column. One issue printed included a 32-year-old male “Stuck in the Mud,” and I’m interested to meet him. I know you aren’t a dating service, but his pattern mirrors the one I’ve been in and am, with much success, getting out of. I’ll take every opportunity I can to meet someone who might be a good match for me–why not? I have nothing to lose, except, in this case, a stamp and ten minutes.

If you have any information at all on him, I would really appreciate you helping me out by passing on the below information about me. –SW

Hey, Faggot:

You recently printed a letter from a woman who was interested in finding out “what it feels like to fuck someone instead of being fucked.” Her boyfriend was not interested in exploring this fantasy with her, but I am! Can you please forward the enclosed letter to her?

I’ve been interested in being the “one who gets fucked” for a long time, but none of my girlfriends has ever been interested in exploring with me. One girl I was dating for five months even broke up with me after I suggested it. She told her friends I had to be gay if I was interested in doing that, and she wasn’t going to “go fag” for me. Isn’t that crazy!

If you can help me, that would be wonderful! –Wantin’ It Bad

Hey, Everybody:

I’m happy to put readers in touch with each other when I can. But most of the mail I receive is anonymous. None of the people Katie, SW, or Wantin’ It Bad are interested in hooking up with included a return address when they wrote me. Without return addresses, I can’t very well pass on the above mash notes, can I? If you send me a question, and want to receive any mail I might get for you, please include a return address.

If you send me a letter asking to be put in touch with someone you read about in this column, and you don’t hear from the object of your affection in three to four weeks, it means one of two things: I forwarded your letter, and the person you were interested in wasn’t interested in you; or I didn’t have an address and turned your letter over to a sniveling intern for shredding.

Every once in a while I’ll run a confidential to someone whose letter generated responses, offering to forward the mail if he or she sends me an address after the fact. But I can’t do that every time. So, if you want responses, include a return address. If you send a private response, be aware it’s a long shot.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.