Hey, Faggot:

I am a 24-year-old female and my husband is a 37-year-old male. I have a very serious problem when it comes to our sex life: my husband doesn’t give me any foreplay or oral sex no matter how much I ask for it. I put it to him very nicely–how much I would like for him to do it–but it just don’t get done: his knees always hurt or he has a backache. Backache or not, he likes for me to do him. Lately I’ve been thinking of seeking comfort from someone a little younger.

Could you give me some of that clever rude advice on how to ask him in a shitty-ass way to give me some head? –Backed Up

PS: I haven’t had an orgasm in three years.

Hey, BU:

Here’s a snappy, smart-ass line that might do the trick: “Eat my pussy or I’ll break your legs.” If that doesn’t work, try this one: “Honey, you’re going to eat my pussy or I’m going to divorce your sorry ass.” Or the next time he wants some head, say: “Does my baby lamb want a blow job? Well fuck off, you selfish, unresponsive bastard. Do you know it’s been three years since I had an orgasm? Suck your own goddamned dick, you self-centered motherfucker!”

As for steppin’ out for the head you deserve–sure thing, go for it. Your husband sounds like the type who’d rather be cheated on than pestered for sex. Find yourself a hot number around your own age with a tongue that won’t quit. Then take out a large life-insurance policy on the box of rocks you married, encourage him to take up drinking and driving, and keep your fingers crossed.

Hey, Faggot:

I’ve been with the same man for a wee bit over a year now, and generally I’m pretty happy with him. He says he’s crazy about me, and I believe him. But there’s one problem–he won’t eat me out!

He says he doesn’t like the way it tastes. On one occasion he said, “I won’t eat something that tastes like chicken and smells like fish.” One time, however, when he was insanely drunk, he went down on me, and it was glorious!

Do you have any ideas or incentives for him to submit to pleasuring my nether folds with his beautiful tongue? I hope so–I’m going insane over here!

–Unlicked, Unsatisfied, Unhappy

Hey, UUU:

You have two choices: encourage him to develop a severe cunnilingus-enabling drinking problem (since you’re not married, you can skip the life insurance) or find yourself a brand-new lover. Personally, I don’t think women should waste their time dating men who think pussy is disgusting–on some level, they think women are disgusting. Why date someone who finds you–and your genitals–revolting? I wouldn’t waste half an hour, let alone a year, on a guy who wouldn’t put my dick in his mouth. Most straight boys I know don’t date girls who don’t give head. Why straight girls condescend to date boys who won’t eat pussy is beyond me. Dump him.

Hey, Faggot:

I’ve got a problem and could use your helpful advice.

Here goes: Last year my husband had an affair with a 20-year-old bisexual who knew he was married. Everyone knew–friends and family–and no one told me. I feel betrayed on so many levels, it’s hard to describe. And in the end, the most out of all of them who I hate is that bitch. She did the worst, by sleeping with a married man.

I want vengeance. Should I deny myself? –A

Hey, A:

No person, not even a bisexual person, can sleep with a married man who won’t sleep with her. It is not up to the rest of the world to avoid having sex with your husband because he’s a “married man”; it’s up to your husband to avoid having sex with the rest of the world, especially if his partner–you–values monogamy, commitment, exclusivity, and the rest of those tired old relationship-exploding land mines. Your anger with the girl is misplaced. He cheated on you, she didn’t. Avenge yourself on him and leave her out of it.

As for your family and friends–they should’ve told you. If you were my sister or pal, I would’ve said something. But if you have a demonstrated history of misplacing your anger–as you’re currently misplacing it vis-a-vis your spouse and his bi-chick playmate–perhaps your friends were afraid of telling you for fear you’d be angry with them instead of who you should be angry with: your cheatin’ husband.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 41-year-old woman puzzled by the tendency of men I’ve gone to bed with lately to dictate what I say during sex. I’ve always been enthusiastically vocal in bed, both on a volunteer basis and in response to sweet inquiries, and I have no objection to dirty words. However, I don’t like being scripted, particularly in a harsh fashion (“Say you love my cock! Say it louder!”). The first time this happened, the guy also wanted to bite and spank me, so I chalked it up to an SM tendency. But it keeps happening, even with men who are not otherwise kinky–most recently with an old flame, with whom I first went to bed 16 years ago. When he was 24, he whispered sexy things in my ear; now at 40, he’s barking out orders like the rest of them. Is this an aging thing or what? It doesn’t happen with younger men.

–Prefer Spontaneity

Hey, PS:

I’ve always encouraged my sex partners to bark orders rather than whisper vague sexy “things”: I loathe ambiguity in the sack. You want me to suck your dick? Tell me. So I haven’t noticed much of a change over the 16 years I’ve been sexually active–but maybe I haven’t noticed any change because I haven’t yet slept with any 40-year-olds (eeeuuuww!). As to why your aging partners are all turning into drill sergeants, maybe it has something to do with the current vogue rough-and-tumble, aggressive sex is enjoying.

Or maybe, and I know this sounds a bit Dworkinish, but maybe that’s the way women talk in the porn videos your man friends have been consuming for the past 15 years. While I don’t believe pornography makes us rapists or promotes violence, I have observed that every other guy I’ve been to bed with in the last five to ten years had the gay porn-star lingo down pat (“Suck that big cock, yeah”). The last time I watched a breeder porn, I seem to recall hearing “I love your cock!” over and over again.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.