Hey, Faggot:

I’m a 27-year-old gay male. I spent the last two years working in Italy and Germany. As you might know, almost all males in Italy and Germany are uncircumcised. To my surprise, I found intact cocks to be more sexy and exciting. I love the way they look, smell, and taste. I feel angry at my parents for taking my foreskin away from me.

My question to you is, where can I meet uncircumcised guys? I don’t mind bars, but I do not like personal ads. Help! I love sex, but I dislike circumcised cocks. –Intact Lover

Hey, IL:

A guy who digs chicks with great big tits is free to place personal ads that read “boy seeking big-boobed broads.” Or he can go out on the town and hit on women with big tits. I like guys with big teeth (long story). In a personal ad, I could lay out my dental requirements in advance of a meeting, or I can simply hit on guys with big, sexy teeth. Your particular interest, however, places you at something of a strategic disadvantage. You can’t tell if a guy is uncircumcised till you pull his pants down, whereas I can tell if a guy has big teeth pretty much right away. Since the majority of men your age are circumcised (thank God), you’re going to have to be a bit more proactive than guys into big tits or teeth.

You can join a gay gym, hang out in the showers, and present intact men your phone number on laminated cards. Or you can flat out ask guys who flirt with you if they were brutally mutilated by crazed, knife-wielding surgeons–Jewish surgeons, in all likelihood–when they were defenseless little baby boys (whoa! sorry about that: I’ve been reading the anticircumcision/anti-Semitic tracts on the Net). But you’re going to hear yes most of the time, making this approach both time-consuming and frustrating. Or you can save yourself a lot of time and trouble (and a gym membership) by giving the dreaded personals a whirl.

Now, I know you said you don’t dig personal ads, but someone who feels strongly about something that cannot be determined at first glance (“My lover must be into water sports!” “My lover must have a big ol’ cheesy foreskin!”), so strongly that he has no interest in screwing a person who does not meet this particular requirement, should for Christ’s sake save himself and his prospective partner time and trouble by spelling out his wants in advance in the personals.

Check out FQ (Foreskin Quarterly), a magazine for men with foreskins and men who love men with foreskins, available at finer smutty bookstores everywhere. In addition to the usual porno fare (pictures, stories), FQ has a free personals section for cheese devotees over age 18. If you can’t find FQ, you can order copies from Brush Creek Media, 367 Ninth Street, San Francisco, CA 94103. A one-year subscription costs $24 in the U.S., $31 in Canada and Mexico, $40 everywhere else in the world.

Hey, Faggot:

I have a crush on my boss. I’ve known he has a girlfriend for months, so of course I’ve kept my distance and professional demeanor. I tell myself not to get my heart set on hooking up with him because these obstacles are significant and not under my control. But I can’t help noticing him noticing me, and I wonder if he’s considering our options for some point in the future. I fantasize that on the day I give my notice, he will announce he has broken up with his girlfriend and wants to start seeing me. The likelihood of events unfolding in this manner is not too promising, yet I continue to daydream about him, and can’t ignore the spark I feel when we interact at the office.

Last night I was at an event where I saw him for the first time socially. I also saw, for the first time, his knockout girlfriend. She is a total nightmare: sleek, sophisticated, polished, and pampered from head to toe. Now I see even less of a chance that he would ditch her for little old me. The situation is becoming painful to me. Please talk some straight shit at me and knock some sense into my poor, pretty little head. –Idiot

Hey, I:

You can either sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can get off your ass and do what you need to do for the sake of your sanity: hire someone to kill your boss’s girlfriend. I mean, how bad do you want this guy? Bad? I mean, B-A-D bad? Well, then, go get him!

OK, in case you’re one of those chickenshits who draw the line at murder: your boss may be attracted to you; the sparks you’re feeling are probably mutual. But whether he’s willing to dump Ms. Sleek ‘n’ Sophisticated for you, sparks or no sparks, ain’t a given. If their relationship comes to shit, if for all her polish and pamper she ain’t right for him, then make a serious move. In the meantime, why not express your attraction in a way that acknowledges not only his present involvement and probable unattainability but also the added complications of office romance? Say, “You know, if you were single, boss, I’d be all over you.” Or, “If I had any guts, sir, that girlfriend of yours would be beltin’ out show tunes in the choir invisible.”

Hey, Faggot:

I have an unusual problem which I haven’t seen mentioned in your column. I am a 28-year-old GWM who recently ended a two-year relationship. My then-boyfriend was really turned on to the idea of having my nipples pierced. My nipples were very normal in appearance, flat and nonerect. I began playing with them on a regular basis to toughen them up and prepare them for piercing.

Well, to make a long story short, we’ve broken up, and I’m no longer interested in getting my nipples pierced. But now they are pointy and erect all the time! I am not fond of their appearance and would like them to go back to their original, flat, nonerect state.

Any suggestions? Beach season is here and I’m embarrassed to take off my shirt.


Hey, S:

Nipple tissue responds to regular stimulation–pinching, sucking, and biting–by becoming tougher and thicker. Once the “damage” is done, it’s done. Laying off the tit clamps might reduce the size of your nips somewhat, but once they’ve peaked they’ll never be those flat little youthful nublets again.

Are you sure you’re not making mountains out of proverbial molehills? Run-of-the-mill “playing” won’t make a person’s nipples grotesquely large or unwieldy. You can’t sling them over your shoulder like a continental soldier, can you? Men with prominent nips–nips that came that way or nips that had prominence thrust upon ’em–are not all that unusual. Look around at the beach. Get over it.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.