Hey, Faggot:

My friends and I have been discussing the finer points of dating, courtship, and the proper way of breaking things off. We have some questions.

If you go on one or two dates with someone–dates being prearranged social engagements attended only by the two parties in question–and things don’t work out for whatever reason, do you owe that person a phone call? A written explanation? Lunch? Lunch and a written explanation? Or what? Is it OK to simply not phone them again? What should a person do? –Terry

Hey, T:

Just because someone goes out on a couple of dates does not mean they owe you anything, least of all an explanation, should they decide that, no, they’re not interested in pursuing things further. Some Communication Queens think the courteous, healthy, functional thing to do is call, at least (sob) call, so as not to leave the dumped party hanging. CQs would also have us believe that someone who neglects to call you after one or two dates, thus denying you “closure,” has outrageously abused you.

Well, bullshit. Nonverbal communication (no phone call=no thanks) is as valid as verbal (“No thanks”=no thanks). And anyone who’s ever gotten a call from a casual date explaining in unnecessary detail just exactly why they don’t want to see you again knows that thanks-but-no-thanks calls are infinitely more aggravating and, in their own underhanded way, more abusive than simply not hearing from the person again.

For example, I once spent 45 minutes being tele-assaulted by a guy with whom I’d had one uneventful date. I was a very nice person, he explained, but he’d just suffered through a very painful breakup, and we just weren’t right for each other since I liked to have sex and he liked to have breakdowns, besides which his unresolved issues with his father would complicate a same-sex relationship at the moment, yadda, yadda, yadda.

Funny thing was, I didn’t want to see him again, and had I known before our disaster date that he was bi, I wouldn’t have gone out with him in the first place. I had no intention of calling him and kinda hoped, since our date was a bust, he’d do the right thing and “neglect” to call me, just as I intended to “neglect” to call him. But once he got started, I couldn’t tell him that, issues or no issues, I had no desire to see him again either: I didn’t want to appear to be putting on a “brave face”–not that I could’ve gotten a word in edgewise regardless. (Confidential to Robert: If you’re reading this, I apologize for violating your privacy. Hope you and your dad have resolved those pesky issues.)

Hey, Faggot:

One night last week I was having sex with my girlfriend when something happened which neither one of us have any idea exactly what occurred. She was lying on the corner end of my bed on her stomach and her feet were planted firmly on the hardwood floor. Supporting myself with my arms on the bed and my feet on the floor, I was in a standing position, thrusting deeper than I had ever penetrated inside her vagina. Near the height of this act, a sudden stream of odorless, clear liquid projected from her, soaking a one-square-foot area of the bed and also wetting my underwear and pants, which were around my ankles. Afterward, I asked her what that was, and she didn’t even realize it had happened!

Is this an intense orgasm she experienced which caused her to ejaculate fluid? When I go down on her, she has multiple orgasms, but nothing ever squirts out. We tried the same position later but didn’t get the same results. We were both hoping you could explain this most unusual occurrence.

–Water Bearer

Hey, WB:

There’s a gland in your girlfriend’s pussy called the paraurethral gland, which is itself surrounded by some squishy tissue called the urethral sponge. For some women, direct stimulation of the paraurethral gland can result in the ejaculation of a clear, usually odorless fluid that is not–not–piss or pussy juice. It’s ejaculate. The same clump of fetal cells that become the prostate gland in boy babies–the gland that produces male ejaculate–becomes the para-urethral gland in girl babies. Some women–not all–respond to direct and prolonged paraurethral stimulation by producing their own girlie ejaculate.

It wasn’t the intensity of your girlfriend’s orgasm that resulted in the squirts (though intensity never hurts), but out-of-the-ordinary pressure placed on your girlfriend’s p-gland (aka “the G-spot”) due to, perhaps, the position you were in coupled with the vigor of your thrusting. Why you’ve been unable to repeat may have something to do with where the gland is: inside and up, not in a place easily reached by regular ol’ vaginal intercourse–you may have been lucky that one time. Combine your orgasm-inducing cunnilingus skills with a little finger action (in and up) and who knows? You may drown.

Hey, Faggot:

After 33 years, I rented my very first triple-X-rated porno flick. My virgin eyes were treated to the most spectacular displays of ass fucking, tittie fucking, regular fucking, and eating at the “Y” I’d ever seen. But there was one thing I didn’t understand: When the guy was about to come, he’d pull his wiener out and squirt his sticky jizz all over the back and ass of the chick. What gives? Is this a method of birth control or AIDS prevention? Please enlighten. –Chetman

Hey, C:

Guys in porno videos pull out and come on their fellow cast members to prove to the punters that, yes indeedy, this was actual sex–sex resulting in a demonstrable, documented orgasm (for him, at least). Pulling out is not birth control and is not AIDS prevention. Boys and girls, repeat after me: If I let a guy fuck me without wearing a condom, I can get preggers (if he’s a boy and I’m a girl) and I can get AIDS (if he’s HIV-positive). This is junior high sex-ed stuff here, Chet.

Hey, Faggot:

I am writing in response to your reply to Umlar in Ballard about his pissing in his girlfriend’s bathtub. I am a woman and I have to say that your perception that women find urine disgusting is wholly inaccurate, if not offensive. First of all, I am with Umlar in his resistance to apologize. I think his girlfriend is extremely pent up and blowing the whole incident out of proportion. Pissing in a bathtub is a major crime? As a woman, I’m sure more than piss has gone down her drain during those certain times of the month.

Secondly, women can direct their urine streams–maybe not as much as a guy can, but nonetheless it can be done. Thirdly, not all women find urine disgusting, and I know many women, myself included, who have pissed in alleys, bushes, the sides of roads, and what have you when that urge calls. So please don’t lump all women into the squeamish prisses like Umlar’s girlfriend seems to be. I’d hate to see how she deals with his come! –Woman Who Likes Piss

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.