Hey, Faggot:

I find myself in a weird situation. I’ve been with my now-husband for four years, and we’ve always had really good sex. But lately he’s gotten into being “submissive,” and I have never felt more bullied. He wants me to tie him up and “rape” him. In practice, “raping” him means getting him off with a great deal of effort, with me on top, or with my mouth, or with “my” strap-on. I haven’t had an orgasm with him in months, though he demands I “have” them (fake them) while using the strap-on. With a little Stoli I can do this stuff, and I’m willing to satisfy my partner’s fantasies, etc.

But! The morning after, he will talk like I am the one demanding these things! He says how lucky I am that he will do anything I say, etc. Last night, I got home from work and asked him to massage my shoulders. He said he was way too tired, and when I begged he said with this injured tone, “Hey, I let you whip me till I’m sore,” etc. Like I’m imposing my will on him, like these “rapes” aren’t physically exhausting for me!

I know that for “submission” to work, you have to feel like the other person is imposing their will on you, but it feels so unjust.

–Exhausted “Dom”

Hey, ED:

Your husband is having trouble making, or maintaining, a distinction between your shared fantasy life and your reality lives. For submission to work, the bottom needs to feel like the top is imposing his or her will only while the SM sex scene is going on. Once it’s over–unless you’re living that glamorous leather lifestyle–it’s over. While the bottom may request a very specific plot–tie me up, whip me, fuck me in the ass–the bottom may not require the top to pretend, when it’s all over, that the entire thing was the top’s idea.

Now, your husband couldn’t successfully pretend the rapes, the dildos, the bondage, etc are your idea if you weren’t playing along. When he whines, “I let you whip me till I’m sore,” do you say, “Look, I whip you cuz you make me whip you–I didn’t want to do it,” or do you keep your mouth shut, out of some misplaced deference to your husband’s fantasies? The next time he whines, point out in no uncertain terms that these are his fantasies you’re indulging, not yours, and while you’re happy to indulge him, you’re not willing to reside in fantasyland 24 hours a day.

You might want to add that it’s been months since you’ve had an orgasm, and that his submissive streak has driven you to writing desperate letters to sex-advice columnists. Reassure him that while having sex you’ll happily pretend that the strap-on and the strap-down are your ideas/desires, but once the gig is up, the gig is up: he has to take responsibility for his desires and his fantasies–and he has to give you the occasional back rub. Now, about your orgasms: take advantage of his professed submissiveness! Rechannel some of it into scenarios that hold more rewards for you: order your slave to give you a back rub; command your slave to go pick up some Thai food; compel your slave to get on his hands and knees and eat your pussy till you come. Tell him that you will reward him with the raping he so richly deserves only after you’ve had your orgasm. Then stick to your guns. If you make the fulfillment of his fantasies contingent upon the meeting of your needs, believe me, he’ll see to them.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a 17-year-old bisexual male. I recently got involved in a sexual relationship with a guy, my best friend in school. We’ve both always practiced safe sex with girlfriends, never had oral sex with girlfriends, and have no past sexual experience with guys. My friend and I are very much into giving oral sex to each other. We don’t use condoms, and suck each other to the point of coming, then jack each other off.

Since we’ve never engaged in risky behavior, we consider what we are doing to be safe. But from what they tell us in sex ed, and what I read sometimes, this could be risky because STDs and HIV are in pre-cum. But the information is confusing, and I’m wondering if there are any known cases of HIV being transmitted through oral sex alone. It would seem to me that there wouldn’t be a risk if we swallowed each other’s come, given our experiences. Neither one of us has any interest in getting involved with other guys. I’d appreciate your expert opinion on this.


Hey, JB:

Sucking is less risky than fucking, but it is not risk-free. There have been cases of HIV transmission from “oral sex alone”–I’ve personally known of several. Risk, however, is relative, and in the case of HIV, wholly dependent on one of the persons involved being HIV-positive.

In your case, I think swallowing would be “safe.” If you aren’t sleeping with other people, if you didn’t get infected sleeping with your girlfriends (highly unlikely, if you were using condoms), and if you aren’t shooting up drugs in the boys’ room after school, well, the odds of either of you two previously homo-sex/ IV-drug virgins being HIV-positive are very, very slim (go get an STD screening to be absolutely certain). So swallowing, under the circumstances, is probably safe.

But what if the circumstances change? The boyfriend isn’t sleeping with other people right now, or so he says, but what if after you two start swallowing, or fucking without condoms, he starts sleeping around? Will he have the courage to say, “Look, honey, I’m sleeping with other people now, so we’d better start using condoms”? Or will he forget/neglect to tell you, putting you at risk rather than leveling with you about his new and noteworthy experiences? If the shoe was on the other foot, would you have the courage to tell him? Just because it’s “safe” for you to swallow his come now, and for him to swallow yours, doesn’t mean it will be safe a year from now, or with your next “bi” boyfriend.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a 32-year-old straight male. When I have sex, I am able to achieve an orgasm many times. If I am really attracted to my partner, I can achieve as many as eight orgasms.

The problem is that after about the fourth orgasm, I am no longer able to ejaculate. I still have an orgasm and my penis somewhat feels like it’s ejaculating, but nothing comes out. Of course, it feels much better to have the orgasm with the ejaculation.

I’d like to know what food or supplement I can take to produce more semen.


Hey, JDR:

Four wet Os, followed by four dry Os, in one night is more than any one man has a right to expect. Your body can crank out only so much and only so quickly. Besides taking in plentiful amounts of fluids, there’s not much you can do to increase your output.

Confidential to Back Up Nut and Fantasy Crazed:

Much mail has arrived for both of you. If you would like it forwarded, drop me a line.

Confidential to E. Krannert:

College kids today just can’t be trusted around portraits. It’s sad, really.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.