Hey, Faggot:

My question involves my present and ex-girlfriend, as I’ve had the same problem with both. Both say I’m a very good lover. Lovemaking sessions have lasted hours. However, neither could have an orgasm via intercourse alone. They can each come in a second by masturbation and in minutes from oral sex. They say they’ve come very close during intercourse with me. They also say that I shouldn’t worry. But if I didn’t worry about it, wouldn’t I be one of those guys women complain about all the time?

I’m beginning to get a complex. I wonder what I’m doing wrong. I wonder if they would be more satisfied if they had been with someone better endowed. During intercourse, I feel myself becoming discouraged: I think that she will never enjoy this as much as I do, and sometimes these thoughts have caused me to go soft in the middle of the act. Please tell me what to do. –Brooklyn

Hey, B:

Your desire not to be “one of those guys women complain about all the time” is commendable, but would be more so if you’d bothered to educate yourself about women’s bodies and women’s orgasms before you started fucking women. News flash: Most women are unable to “have an orgasm via intercourse alone.” Why is this? Because the business end of her clitoris, which plays as central a role in her sexual pleasure as the head of the cock plays in yours, is located outside and above the vagina, not inside it. Are you with me? The clitoris is not a joy buzzer resting at the top of the vaginal canal. It doesn’t matter how hard your dick is, how big your dick is, or how far in her you manage to get it (OK, those things do matter, but for the sake of this argument, they don’t)–the clit’s the thing!

While some clits are angled in such a way that simple bumping and grinding provides enough direct clitoral stimulation to get her off, most are not so angled, and you actually have to go out of your way to make her orgasms happen. It never ceases to amaze me just how many heterosexual men don’t know these simple, basic vagi facts!

But you needn’t take my word for it. According to August’s Cosmo–my reference for all questions regarding female anatomy, sexual response, and makeup–fully 70 percent of women need stimulation above and beyond vaginal intercourse in order to achieve orgasm. Now, it ain’t science if the results of an experiment aren’t repeatable. So we here at Savage Labs conducted our own study and, lo and behold, came up with practically the same results that Cosmo did: of 11 female coworkers surveyed, fully 7 required oral or manual stimulation in addition to, or in place of, vaginal intercourse to achieve orgasm.

Here’s what some of our subjects had to say (listen up, boys): “It seems like the better educated guys are about sex, the less likely they are to think it’s odd that I need other forms of stimulation in order to come. Whenever I’m with some young band boy, I’ve got to explain it to him.” “Men who can’t find my clit, or don’t know what to do with it when I point it out, don’t get invited back for seconds.” “It’s possible for me [to come from fucking], but it takes longer and it’s less likely. Both at once–all sorts of stimulation at once–is the best way.” “Direct clitoral stimulation, that’s what I need. Sometimes I’d rather do that–or have that done to me–than fuck.”

Imagine the flip side, Brooklyn: Your new girlfriend pays absolutely no attention to the head of your cock during sex; the most she can be bothered to do is provide you with a little “indirect stimulation”–she casually nudges the side of your dick with her foot while you eat her to orgasm after orgasm. While you might enjoy this activity (especially if you were a foot fetishist), it probably wouldn’t get you off. Oh, you’re havin’ fun, but you’re not havin’ orgasms. Eventually, you pull your slimy face out of her crotch and insist that she pay some attention to your cock.

Now, imagine after you asked for some much-deserved direct stimulation, your girlfriend recoils in horror, insisting that all her previous boyfriends could climax from indirect dick-nudging alone. “What is wrong with you?” she asks. Knowing boys, you spin on your heel, tell her she’s full of shit–delusional in fact–and that all of her previous boyfriends were liars. And you dump her ass. You wouldn’t settle for indirect stimulation, would you? So why on earth should your girlfriends?

I’m going to let you off the hook just a bit. You are probably not entirely responsible for your predicament–the women you’ve been sleeping with up to this point no doubt contributed to your appalling ignorance. A lot of women when they first start having sex believe they ought to be able to have orgasms from intercourse alone–cuz that’s the way women’s orgasms look in movies, porn, romance novels, and, funnily enough, it’s the way their ill-informed boyfriends insist women’s orgasms work. Consequently, some young women manage to psych themselves out, convincing themselves they’re having orgasms while their boyfriends huff and puff; others opt to fake orgasms so their boyfriends won’t think they’re damaged goods.

Since inexperienced young women tend to have sex with inexperienced young men, these psyched/faked orgasms can leave young men with a false impression of exactly how women’s bodies work and, sadly, of their own sexual powers. So bad-in-bed boys bop through their sex lives until the earth-shattering moment when they find themselves in bed with a woman who insists on a little hand action or a whole lotta oral sex–a woman who demands that her orgasm (and her clit) play as central a role in the sex act as his orgasm (and the head of his dick), and, for the most part, the boys, the dear, sweet, darling breeder boys, freak right the fuck out. They think the new girlfriend is some sort of psychotic nympho or, like you, they think their lovemaking skills have somehow deteriorated or their cocks aren’t big enough. Of course, the new GF isn’t a psycho-nympho, she’s just not a doormat. And your lovemaking skills haven’t deteriorated–they never developed in the first place. And as for your cock, it may be too big, too small, or just right, but as most women need stimulation in addition to fucking to achieve orgasm regardless of their man friend’s cock size, the size of your pee-pee shouldn’t matter all that friggin’ much, except, perhaps, aesthetically.

You fear the girlfriend “will never enjoy [intercourse] as much as I do,” and that fear sometimes causes you to go soft. Well, fear not: she’ll enjoy fucking as much as you do if you can simply remember to pay attention to her clit while you’re fucking her. If your arms aren’t broken or bound, play with her clit while you bang away; encourage her to play with herself when you’re fucking; try different positions to see if perhaps another angle might provide more direct stimulation to her clit, and then let her control the speed and pace of the grind; get her off with your mouth or your hand before you fuck; buy some “clit grapes” at a sex-toy store–the possibilities are endless. Listen to your partner’s physical and verbal cues, make her pleasure a priority, and you won’t be one of those men women complain about all the time. Good luck.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.