Hey, Faggot:

I’m a single straight woman in my late 20s, and I’d like to be in a relationship. Oh, yeah: I’m also a virgin. From my teenage years through early adulthood, abstaining from sex wasn’t a big deal for me. I wasn’t ready for it, and I wanted to wait until I was in love, or at least in “deep like.”

Well, I’ve been ready for the last few years! I’m extremely cognizant of my sexual needs and desires. Masturbation isn’t enough, because I crave physical intimacy with another person. The men I find sexually attractive are either (a) not interested in me or (b) turn out to be complete boneheads.

Frankly, I’m tired of waiting for a “deep, meaningful relationship” to come along.

So much so that I’m seriously considering taking the one-night-stand route (which has never been appealing to me). Furthermore, sexual/emotional/intellectual compatibility are intertwined assets which I have a difficult time separating. The result is that I find myself jealous of those people who can fuck first and ask questions later.

So what’s your opinion, Mr. Savage? Should I hold out for “Mr. Right,” or go for “Mr. Right Now”?

–Last of the Red Hot Virgins


You have two probs: You want to lose that darn virginity, and you want a deep and meaningful relationship. Taking care of number one might take care of number two. You’d be surprised just how many cheap and meaningless relationships blossom, in time, into full-blown, lovey-dovey, deep meaningfulness. In other words, sometimes Mr. Right Now turns out to be Mr. Right. A one-night stand becomes a two-night stand, then three, four, and five. Before you know it, that dead-gorgeous stranger you picked up on the subway is your friggin’ boyfriend, and you’re forced to tell friends and family the most appalling lies about how you met.

So the next time you’re attracted to some guy–and he’s attracted to you–fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him! He might be the one! Then again, he might not. He might be another of those complete boneheads–but if you fuck him right away, you won’t know that until after you’ve lost your damn virginity.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a 24-year-old bisexual male happily dating a 22-year-old woman for the past two months. In our first encounter, I was especially conscientious about stimulating her love button. The results were incredible. It seems that her prior lovers had all but ignored her vital pleasure center, and she came freely and often during that and numerous subsequent sessions.

However, in recent weeks I have been feeling a curious combination of exhaustion and envy, inasmuch as I have only been able to climax twice or at most three times during our sessions, while she is capable of seemingly innumerable orgasms, limited only by her need for sleep and other forms of entertainment. I would like to expand my own orgasmic capacity to keep up with her as best a male can.

I have seen ads for various workshops, books, drugs, herbs, and other techniques for producing multiple male orgasms. What I want to know is this: Do you know if any of these actually work? And which, if any, would you recommend?

–Tired and Elated

Hey, TAE:

I’d recommend that you cool your jets, Mr. Greedy Grabber. For a boy, two or three orgasms during one “session” is puh-lenty. Let it go. Women get multiple orgasms, guys get to pee standing up. Life’s not fair. There are pros and cons to each gender, and you’re just going to have to learn to live within your physiological limits.

As for those books, tapes, pills, creams, workshops, crystals, etc, can’t you tell when you’re being played for a fool? Can’t you tell when someone is trying to make a buck by exploiting your insecurities? Can’t you, huh? “Erection cream” is Rogaine is mouthwash. Multiple-male-orgasm shit for sale in the back of porno mags is bullshit. Don’t be such a dope.

Hey, Faggot:

I’m a 26-year-old het guy. When corporate stress gets me down, I like to relax by scoring a soothing hand job or tit fuck from an escort girl/”masseuse.” Does this put me at risk for exposure to HIV? If not, how risky would it be to get a blow job from an escort using a condom?

–Gold Coast

Hey, GC:

Neither of the activities you’re presently engaging in with your escort friends–hand jobs, tit fucking–put you at any risk of contracting HIV. None whatever. Zip. Zilch. Getting a blow job while wearing a condom is also completely safe, so far as HIV is concerned. Blow jobs will doubtless cost you more, though.

Even getting a blow job without wearing a condom is a no-risker. That’s getting a blow job, mind you. Giving a blow job will put you at some risk, provided the dick you’re sucking is attached to an HIV-positive person. So your “masseuse” is wise to protect herself from whatever bugs you may be carting from escort to escort by using a condom for any sort of insertive sex–oral, anal, or vaginal.

This is an entirely unsolicited opinion, as you didn’t ask for my opinion of tit fucking, and tit fucking isn’t even the issue here–safety is–but it’s my column: were I into women, I would doubtless be into tit fucking. But it has always seemed to me that the person doing the fucking must look absolutely ridiculous to the person providing the tits. Look up, and there’s this guy squattin’ over you, huffin’ and puffin’ away. Look down, and the head of his dick is popping in and out of your cleave like a spazzed-out turtle or, I don’t know, something. Then the turtle pukes all over your chin. Gee, if I were getting tit fucked, I don’t think I’d be able to keep a straight face. Unless, of course, I was being paid to.

Hey, Faggot:

I wanted to comment on a particular kind of condom you recommended for use by those that have either a dislike or an allergy to latex, Avanti polyurethane condoms. My boyfriend and I decided to try Avantis. We usually engage in fairly normal, hetero intercourse, and although he is above average in size, my partner does not rival John Holmes, if you get what I’m saying.

On two separate occasions when using Avanti condoms, they broke. This was, mind you, with ample lube, correct application, etc. The first time we thought, well, this can happen to anyone. After the second time, we decided a new addition to the family was not worth avoiding the extra application of lube now and then (which keeps latex condoms comfortable for us). I asked around and found that I was not the only one who had experienced difficulty with these guys. Anal sex would certainly give these little jobbies a run for their money if my relatively tame hetero sex did.


Hey, Concerned:

Thanks for writing.

Confidential to Everybody:

If you want a copy of a past column, please include a self-addressed stamped envelope. Or better yet, send me your E-mail address, and I’ll blast it out to you. While it’s nice to know past columns are in demand, there’s only so much postage I can steal from my employer before I start to feel, well, naughty.

Send questions to Savage Love, Chicago Reader, 11 E. Illinois, Chicago 60611.