Hey, Faggot:

I am a straight woman, 37, who has been friends with a man, 34, for four years. Our relationship has been platonic–we’ve never had any sexual contact other than making out–although we have expressed a strong attraction for one another. However, we decided to keep our relationship non-sexual in order to retain our friendship. The other night he was all hopped up on Ecstasy (I am a non-druggie) and acted extremely affectionate towards me, hugging me, telling me he loved me, how much he likes kissing me, how he wants to settle down, blah-blah-blah, ad nauseam. We ended up going back to my place, got naked and then…nothing happened! It was the weirdest! He started out gung ho and all of a sudden he tells me I intimidate him sexually! What gives? I’m not really hurt, he said it wasn’t my fault–that I turned him on and all–but I am very confused. What the hell happened here? –Left Hangin’

Hey, LH:

Ecstasy happened here.

X lowers your inhibitions, impairs your judgment, and makes you just absolutely fucking love everybody. That’s a dangerous troika. Topping it off, X makes you chatty–very, very chatty. If only X were content to simply let you feel the feelings, but no, X makes you want to–have to–communicate the feelings it’s (a) magnifying, or (b) manufacturing. Careful who you’re with when you take X: promises sworn sky-high are sometimes impossible to extract ourselves from once we land–it’s not a good first-date drug. If only something could be added to X rendering users mute until it wears off.

The X was responsible for his public displays of affection, the hugging, the “love,” the settling-down talk, the blah, blah, blah, the ad nauseating. But what goes up must come down, right? Sounds like he came down around the time you guys crawled into bed together. In the future, disregard what anyone tells you when they’re tweaked out–even if it’s what you desperately wanna hear.

PS: People “strongly” attracted to one another very rarely opt for friendship over fucking (FOF). FOF is almost always a feeling-sparing/face-saving gesture on someone’s part. You’re attracted to him, he’s not attracted to you. He says, “I’m strongly attracted to you too (feeling-sparing lie), but I value our friendship too much to mess it up with sex (face-saving lie).” Folks we spare with FOF often end up carrying torches, hoping that maybe, “since we’re both attracted to each other,” the other person will eventually come around–what was doubtless going through your head that night. Survivors of FOF often end up feeling abused and strung along. Better we should be straight with folks we’re not into. And when someone says to us, “I value our friendship too much…” we better be doing a little UN-style simultaneous translation in our heads: “I value our blah, blah, blah” equals “No. Not now, not ever.” Hear it.

Hey, Faggot:

I am a hopelessly het female who desperately wants to be a dyke. Lesbians are totally cool, and straight men piss me off more every day. Unfortunately, the little bit of lesbian erotica I’ve seen really grossed me out, and all my crushes are still on men. What’s a girl to do? –Lesbo Wannabe

Hey, LW:

The queer community doesn’t operate re-education camps. There are no queer-staffed “exodus” groups for heterosexuals interested in “transitioning” into a happy, healthy homosexuality. There are, of course, such camps for self-hating queers staffed by abusive breeders and deep-in-denial tortured homos with Jesus-won’t-like-me-if-I-suck-dick/eat-pussy complexes.

So, LW, since you’ll never make a decent dyke on your own, and the queer community isn’t interested in recruiting you, seducing you, or preying on the self-hatred we pounded into your head as a child (in an alternate universe), you’ll just have to keep looking for one or two nice, stable, feminist breeder-boys. They’re out there. And, hey: your frustration may be of your own making. An honest assessment of your dating choices and the types of guys you’ve gone for in the past might be called for. If, for instance, you’ve consistently opted for looks and loot over heart and soul, well, then yer dating troubles ain’t nobody’s fault but your own.

Hey, Faggot:

My recent divorce opened many doors for me, especially in the sexual arena. My husband was my first and only lover. Now, in a very responsible way, I have come to realize that men come in all sorts of wonderful shapes, colors, and sizes.

The other night someone dialed a wrong number and got me instead of his intended party. We struck up a conversation and before long, we were having really hot phone sex. This guy turned me on like I have never been turned on before. He seems to be everything I ever fantasized about. After a week and many jack-offs on the phone, he wants to make my sexual fantasies reality. He is really hot to meet me and I’m hot to meet him!

What should I do? Where should we meet? Knowing I can make a man come for me at least four times in one night by just talking to him is driving me crazy with curiosity and anticipation. Help! –Phone-Jacker

Hey, PJ:

“Wrong number” calls from nice guys that somehow morph into phone sex are usually not as innocent as the guys who initiate these calls manage to make them seem. Are you with me? I’ve received a handful of letters from women describing the exact same scenario: innocent wrong number, “crazy world” conversations that drift onto sex and relationships, and before you know it, you’re masturbating on the phone. Women who would never call a phone-sex line find themselves, in a sense, working one–doing for free what other women pull down 10 or 20 dollars an hour for. Trolling for free phone-sex may be time consuming for the guy, but considering the high price of professional phone sex–three to five bucks a minute and up–it’s worth his time and trouble.

Having said that, let’s pretend for just a minute your guy is an exception to the above, the “wrong number” was innocent and the resultant phone sex not his objective. If you’re going to meet someone in person with whom you’ve developed a repartee on the phone or through personal ads, here are my emotional and physical safety tips: Meet in public–a bar, restaurant, or cafe. Do not go to his place, do not invite him to yours. Brace yourself for disappointment, he won’t live up to your mental image of him, and if he’s working wrong numbers for thrills, he probably ain’t too easy on the eyes. If you do meet him and want to go further, ask for ID, find out where he works, meet a few of his friends, introduce him to a few of yours. Do not lend him your credit cards.

Yes, indeed, PJ, men come in all sorts of wonderful shapes and sizes–the jumbo sack of lying shit is available everywhere these days, so be on your guard.