I recently met the straight cousin of a good friend. On the night of our first meeting, I ended up rimming, blowing, and getting fucked by him. And he blew me (badly). Since then I’ve given him another blow job. That night he slept with his arms around me, and he repeatedly muttered to me–drunkenly–that he loves me!

I have since gone out with the friend and the cousin several times to straight bars and have watched the cousin pick up girls, which is fine–I’m not in the market for a fucked-up, sexually confused boyfriend. But I do want to have sex with him.

So here’s the stupid question: is he straight, gay, bi? Why does he only want to fuck me when he’s drunk? Now he wants to go on vacation with me, but I don’t know if I want to keep messing around with this hottie, even if he does have a beautiful, big, juicy cock. It’s not like I can see marrying him. What’s a confused gay guy to do? –Straight Cousin Unlikely Marry

Keep jumping on that beautiful, big, juicy cock, of course.

I realize that’s anathema: we advice professionals are never supposed to advise people–at least in print–to jump on a beautiful, big, juicy cock unless there’s a chance they’ll ride that cock all the way to the altar. In the 16 decades she was writing her column did Ann Landers–at whose desk I am delighted to be typing the phrase “beautiful, big, juicy cock”–ever advise a single reader to jump on a beautiful, big, juicy cock? Did Abigail Van Buren? Has Billy Graham? No, no, and I’m guessing not. (I don’t read Graham’s syndicated advice column religiously, so I can’t rule out the possibility.)

It’s not just my advice-giving colleagues who disapprove of premarital and/or no-possibility-of-wedlock sex. The whole culture has a problem with it. We all believe that sex should have some noble purpose–in theory, at least. The possibility of marriage is just the easiest and most obvious. But sex can have a noble purpose even when marriage is out of the question.

Needless to say, an Ann Landers or a Billy Graham probably wouldn’t see the noble purpose in a fag jumping on the beautiful, big, juicy cock of a drunken straight boy. I, however, can: one day BBJC is going to have to reconcile the person he is–and the people he fucks when he’s drunk–with the person he is when he’s sober. Every night he spends with you, SCUM, brings that day of reckoning eight or nine inches closer. So take the straight boy and his beautiful, big, juicy cock on vacation for his sake, SCUM, if not your own.

And finally, an answer to the stupid question: gay, straight, bi? My money’s on gay. Yes, there are a handful of straight men out there who will, when impaired or imprisoned, make do with a little man ass. And, yes, booze can bring out the inept cocksucker in many a bisexual dude. But a “straight” guy who makes drunken declarations of same-sex love is 110 percent faggot.

I’m a 48-year-old gay man and have been in a committed and monogamous relationship with a wonderful man for 20 years. I’m not sure how often most people together this long have sex, but for us it’s about once every three or four weeks. This is plenty for me, but my husband’s libido seems to be getting much stronger than mine. About two years ago he asked that we add “adventure” to our sex life. He’s bought dildos, vibrators, and leather garb and wants me to use them. He wants me to call him fuckhole or slaveboy when we’re intimate, and he wants to try nude vacations and three-ways. I should add that my husband is coming up on 40 and is quite the hottie. I, on the other hand, haven’t aged as gracefully. We also have small children, and I don’t think it’s appropriate to have these things in the house. Last week he asked me to take him to a resort for his 40th where I can fuck him in front of other men. Is this a normal gay midlife/about-to-turn-40 crisis? –Slaveboy’s Husband Has Hesitations

No, it’s not, SHHH, but is that relevant? Because like it or not this is the midlife crisis your husband is having–not that I would normally characterize a strong libido as a crisis. To me it sounds like someone who settled down at 19 and wants to live a little while he’s still limber enough to enjoy it.

And I’m sorry, SHHH, but it’s your duty to indulge the little fuckhole. When two people marry, they’re making a solemn vow not only to be there in good times and bad, in sickness and in health, but also to be complete and total whores for each other. It would save countless marriages–and cut my mail in half–if this was made explicit in standard marriage vows. Perhaps the American Family Association could get on this.

As for your issues, SHHH, bringing sex toys and fetish wear into a house with small children? You won’t be the first or last parents with a lock on their bedroom closet. Slaveboy and fuckhole? Perhaps not every time you have sex, but a little dirty talk isn’t too much to ask. Three-ways? Well, that’s something you have to be down with or it could do permanent damage to your relationship. I prescribe more discussion. Public sex in skeezy gay resorts? Most skeezy gay resorts allow nudity, SHHH, but don’t require it–he can run around naked and you can remain clothed. As for the public sex, if you agree to go to the resort, he has to agree to take no for an answer–and take it cheerfully–if you don’t feel comfortable doing him with witnesses.

He’s a wonderful man. He has needs. Meet ’em.

As a guy with a serious cuckold fetish, I agree with your assertion that a man can’t require his wife to have sex with other men. So before my wife and I were married, I told her about my romantic abnormality (on one of our first dates, in fact). She was into it, and we embarked on a series of sexual adventures beyond my wildest dreams. She enjoyed cuckolding me and was great in every other way, so I married her. A year later, the cuckolding stopped. She said it was time for us to grow up and be adults, end of discussion. I offered a compromise: I’ll jerk off if she makes up stories about fucking other guys. No deal. You’ve stated that it’s OK for a spouse to go outside of the marriage to seek satisfaction when the partner refuses to help out. Obviously, this is impossible in my case. Am I doomed to jerking off alone with my fantasies for the rest of my life? –Unlucky in Cuckoldry

No, you’re not, UIC, because you’re going to get a divorce.

You were up-front about your “romantic abnormality,” UIC, and your wife presented herself to you as someone not just willing and able but delighted to go along with it. And you married her in part because you were sexually compatible. If she felt that cuckolding wasn’t something that adults should do–was she a toddler when she was cuckolding you?–then she was obligated to say so before the wedding.