QDoes a person who acts loving only when high on weed really love you? My live-in boyfriend of three years acts sweet, loving, and caring when he’s high, but when the weed runs out, he’s mean, angry, hurtful, and horrible to be around. I’ve asked him when he’s stoned to still act like a loving person when the weed runs out, but of course that never happens. He just dismisses that he’s mean and hurtful, and he blames me for why he’s angry. I’m so confused! Without weed, he’s intolerable. Should I just make sure he’s always well stocked with his drug? He’s a relatively functional stoner, even though technically it’s not allowed at his job. I’ve told all my friends he is no longer the mean asshole he was when I wanted to leave him (but didn’t), and now I’ve convinced everyone that he transformed back into the amazing catch I always knew he was. So basically, in order to save face over not leaving him (and now I can’t for financial reasons), I burned the bridges. —Tensions Highlight Concerns That Relationships Aren’t Perfect
ASomeone who can be nice only when he’s high isn’t someone you should be fucking, living with, or starting a grow-op on your roof for, THCTRAP, he’s someone you should be dumping, dumping, and dumping.
And to be clear: Your boyfriend’s problem isn’t weed, THCTRAP, your boyfriend’s problem is asshole. And the fact that you’re covering for him—the fact that you can’t go to your friends for help because you worked so hard to convince them he’s not an asshole—is a very, very bad sign. If being with someone isolates you from the support of your friends, that’s not someone you should be with.
Does he love you? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t—but even if he does, do you want to be loved by someone who treats you like shit when he isn’t fucked-up? No, you don’t. My advice: DTMFA.
But let’s get a second opinion, shall we?
“It’s not unusual for people to complain that they feel a little cranky when they run out of weed,” said Dan Skye, editor in chief of High Times magazine. “I know a lot of people who prefer to be high all the time—but if his personality is that different when he runs out of weed, this woman’s boyfriend has problems other than not being high.”
Now, there are people out there who self-medicate with pot—in good ways, not bad ways.
“I know many people who have dumped their pharmaceuticals for pot,” said Skye, “because pot is a better substance for easing their pain and anxiety. There are no side effects, it’s good at easing pain, and it even eases some severe medical conditions. There are people out there who are high all the time, I know hundreds of them, and they are perfectly functional, responsible human beings. We are hardwired as humans to hook up with this plant, and some people hook up with this plant in profound ways. It makes them feel better, it makes them more compassionate and more creative—it makes them better human beings.”
But Skye doesn’t think your boyfriend is one of those people, THCTRAP.
“If this guy is such a prick when he’s not high, I’d get rid of him,” said Skye. “Putting your girlfriend in a position where she feels like she has to become your dealer—that she has to supply you with pot—is not acceptable.”
QShe turned me into the pretty girl’s fat little friend years ago and then ran off to sunnier places. Now she’s back. She has tried to rekindle a relationship, but she expects me to be like I was years back. I’m treating myself to a weekend away and thought about treating her too in the hopes things go to the next level. I guess I’m hoping she will give if she gets. Am I an idiot? —Good Guy Problems
ASo you’re one of those good guys I’ve heard so much about, huh? One of those good guys who thinks all his female friends are secret sex workers—i.e., girls who will give once they get? If that’s how good guys feel about their female friends, I’d hate to hear a bad guy’s inner monologue.
Don’t spend your “good guy” money on this girl, GGP, because she’s not going to fuck you. If she didn’t want to fuck you after she paid Dr. Moreau to turn you into her fat little friend, she doesn’t want to fuck you now. The odds of her wanting to take things “to the next level” once you get her alone for the weekend are worse than the odds of “President Rick Santorum.”
My advice: Do not invite this woman to go away with you under false pretenses (it’s a friendly trip!) so long as you’re nursing false hopes (she’ll fuck me someday!). Invite someone else, go alone, or blow whatever money you would’ve spent on this pretty girl on a pretty local sex worker instead.
QI’m a man who is married to a woman. In our 12-year relationship, our sex life hasn’t ever been really active, but after being married, my wife’s sex drive decreased noticeably. She had promised things would improve once we tied the knot. She explained that her upbringing was conservative and she felt guilty about having sex before marriage. But marriage didn’t help. We’ve gone to couples’ therapy, only to abandon it because she doesn’t feel any progress, and our pantry has barely used natural remedies for low libido. Our library has workout DVDs collecting dust after she said she felt too fat to be attractive. Currently, she can last having sex for nearly half an hour before feeling exhausted and stopping, regardless of me reaching orgasm or not. On the other hand, we enjoy each other’s company and we’ve got each other’s backs whenever things are rough, so I can’t say she’s uninterested in me. I can’t remember the last time I had fulfilling sex. Whenever I bring it up, she breaks down, saying she’s not enough for me. My need for sex is killing me. —Unsexed Grumpy Husband
AMaybe your wife’s religious upbringing ruined sex for her and her for sex.
Maybe your wife is one of those low-to-no-libido women who sex therapists and counselors whisper about: a woman with no desire for sex, a woman whose marriage is hanging by a thread, a woman who sincerely wants to save her marriage—but nothing seems to help, her marriage collapses, and she winds up divorced. And three months after the divorce, the woman who was weeping to her therapist about the possibility that she might be asexual? She wants to fuck every cute bartender, personal trainer, and waiter she sees. Turns out she wanted sex all along. She just didn’t want it with her husband, or she didn’t want it with only her husband, and her newfound freedom to fuck other people—freedom that might have saved her marriage—reawakened her libido.
Maybe your wife is asexual.
Here are your nondivorce options, UGH: (1) You can get sex elsewhere without her OK, aka “cheating.” (2) You can ask your wife for permission to get sex elsewhere, aka “not cheating.” (3) You can resign yourself to a sexless marriage, aka “cheating inevitably.”
PS: Never once has a conflict over too little sex in a long-term relationship been solved by a marriage ceremony. v
Download the Savage Lovecast every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.