I visited Royal Oak, Michigan, for Savage Love Live at the Royal Oak Music Theatre. I didn’t get to all of the questions submitted by the large and tipsy crowd—a crowd that skipped the Stormy Daniels interview on 60 Minutes to spend the evening with me (so honored, you guys!)—so I’m going to race through as many of the unanswered questions as I can in this week’s column. Here we go . . .
Q: Is there a way of breaking my cycle of being totally sexual and into someone for the first six months and then shutting down to the point that I don’t want to be sexual with them at all? What’s wrong with me?
A: Breaking a long-established pattern may require the aid of a therapist who can help you unpack your damage—if, indeed, this is about damage. Because it’s possible this could be the way your libido works; you could be wired for a lifetime of loving, short-term relationships. While our culture reserves its praise for successful long-term relationships (think of those anniversary gifts that increase in value with each passing year), a short-term relationship can be a success. Everyone get out alive? No one traumatized? Were you able to pivot to friendship? Then you can regard that relationship as a success—or all those relationships as successes.
Q: How common a kink is it to enjoy seeing your significant other having sex with someone else?
A: Common enough to have numerous different ways of manifesting itself—swinging, hot wifing, cuckolding, stag-and-vixen play—and an entire porn genre dedicated to it.
Q: Cis, female, 33, poly, bi. I bruise easily, am into BDSM, and love to swim in my condo’s shared pool, where there are many seniors. Any advice for hiding bruises or getting over the embarrassment?
A: Don’t assume the senior citizens in the pool are as naive and/or easily shocked as our ageist assumptions would prompt us to believe. Someone who became a senior citizen today—who just turned 65 years old—was 35 in 1988. I happen to know for a fact that people were doing BDSM way, way back in 1988.
Q: When you are entering into something new, how do you differentiate between infatuation and real feelings?
A: Infatuation is a real feeling. Only time will tell if other real but more lasting feelings—like, like like, love, lasting love—will surface when those feelings of infatuation inevitably fade.
Q: I can easily have an orgasm with toys, but I can’t have one with my boyfriend. What gives?
A: Your boyfriend could give you orgasms if you handed him one of those toys, showed him how you use it on yourself, and then guided his hands the first few times he used it on you.
Q: Donald Trump has been impeached, and you get to decide the punishment. So what sex toy gets used on him, and who gets to use it?
A: Trump doesn’t deserve a sex toy. Sex toys are for good boys and girls. All Trump deserves is a lump of the coal he loves so much shoved far enough up his ass to serve as a gag.
Q: I’m married and finishing my PhD while working full-time. As a result, I don’t get to spend as much time as I would like with my wonderful husband. I know you’re a workaholic as well. How do you manage to make your husband feel he is getting the attention/time he deserves?
A: When I’m totally stressed out and don’t have the bandwidth to give my husband the attention/time he deserves, I take a moment now and then to reassure him that things will settle down soon. I’ve found he’s most receptive to this message when it’s delivered immediately after I’ve taken a few minutes to blow him.
Q: How do you approach people about a three-way without ruining friendships?
A: I think close sexy friends and the-sex-was-great-but-everything-else-sucked exes make the best “very special guest stars.” But if you’re worried about ruining friendships, well, don’t hit on friends. Hit on strangers. (And remember: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t had a three-way with yet. Or something.)
Q: Are anxiety-induced orgasms a thing? They must be, because I have them.
A: I’m glad there’s at least one person out there who’s managing to enjoy the Trump era. v
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