Back when I was young enough to play with dolls—sorry, “action figures”—G.I. Joe was just a modestly proportioned, multiply articulated World War II grunt, but since then he seems to have mutated into an ultrabuff, multiracial, gender-integrated corps of elite commandos. Loud, shiny, and critic-proof, this franchise launcher is basically Transformers minus the humanity. Dennis Quaid provides some ballast as grizzled patriarch to the troop of sexy young lock-and-loaders, Christopher Eccleston (Shallow Grave) slums as a bargain-basement evil genius, and Stephen Sommers (Van Helsing) directed. Expect more where this came from.