Monster Hunter is exactly what it sounds like, another vehicle for teenage-boy-trapped-in-a-man-bod Paul W.S. Anderson to cast his wife Milla “Resident Evil” Jovovich in a kill-them-all action romp. Meet Lt. Artemis (yes, the whole film is this on the nose), a badass army ranger (who’d barely pass as a disgruntled volleyball player) whose unit gets inexplicably teleported to the “new world” inhabited by, you guessed it, monsters. After giant spiders kill off her crew in a sequence directly ripped off Aliens and Starship Troopers—only without all the suspense and terror—Artemis loses all discipline and any sense of character to team up with the Hunter (Tony Jaa), but only after the obligatory, senseless extended fight sequence when they realize they need to join forces. Cue the training montage. Based on the popular narrative-free video game Monster Hunter, Anderson decided to make this loosely strung together movie the same way. It’s as predictable as the action lines it pilfers, like “this is above my paygrade,” “they don’t just disappear,” and my favorite, “she’s a woman, but…”. #Feminism. While the plot is on the nose, lacking all nuance and subtlety, constantly stealing from other films, and dialogue is groan worthy, the glorious CGI special effects and eardrum-piercing sound are sensory candy for home theaters. The spastic editing is what you’d expect from a guy named Doobie White. Ron Perlman has a phoned-in walk-on as a 1970s surfer-haired steampunk sand-pirate and there’s a great pirate cat-chef who teases a better anthropomorphic pirate sequel we’re bound to suffer.