Middle-aged fanboy Kevin Smith has decided that what the world needs now is a comedy remake of The Human Centipede (2010), the grotesque midnight-movie favorite about a mad surgeon stitching people together into the title beast. In Smith’s version a mean-spirited LA podcaster (Justin Long), traveling to Manitoba in search of material, gets held captive by a grandiose lunatic (Michael Parks) who turns him into a walrus, while the victim’s girlfriend (Genesis Rodriguez) and sidekick (Haley Joel Osment) try to track him down. This is gruesome but never scary, snarky but never funny; it’s probably the worst thing to come out of Smith (Clerks, Chasing Amy) that he didn’t have the decency to flush down a toilet. Its only redeeming facet is a slumming cameo by Johnny Depp, barely recognizable under a wig and fake nose, as a French-Canadian homicide detective.