Vampire Academy

“They suck at school,” announces the poster for this high school horror comedy, but in point of fact the whole movie sucks. Richelle Mead’s six Vampire Academy novels have sold about eight million copies, and this horrendous adaptation of the first one, produced by the Weinstein Company, operates on the assumption that every ticket buyer will be a 13-year-old girl with a Talmudic knowledge of the series. The movie takes place at a tony private school, St. Vladimir’s, populated by bad vampires (who drink blood and are immortal, unless you knock them off with a stake through the heart), good vampires (who drink blood but can be killed), and infected humans who protect and feed the good ones (when they get bitten, they go all orgasmic). I had to look all this up afterward, though, because the filmmakers plop you right in the middle of it and pile up characters and intrigues so fast you can barely keep track. If you met this movie in the hall and asked for directions to shop class, it would brush you off. Continue reading>>