Drive Like Jehu drummer Mark Trombino has had a long and successful career as a producer and engineer since that San Diego band split up in 1995—among his many accomplishments, he’s recorded platinum-selling albums by the likes of Blink-182 and Jimmy Eat World. But in summer 2013, he opened a shop called Donut Friend in Los Angeles, which sells specialty doughnuts named punningly after bands: Jets to Basil, Yo La Mango, Stiff Little Butterfingers, X-Ray Speculoos. (You can even order a Taking Back Sundae.) Because the reunited Drive Like Jehu play Riot Fest this year (Sat 9/12 at 6:40 PM on the Rebel Stage), the Reader got into the Donut Friend spirit, inventing a dozen new treats inspired by other bands on the festival bill. Of course, even if these hypothetical doughnuts did exist, we wouldn’t necessarily recommend eating them. You’ll understand why shortly.
Gwarmalade Paczki
A Scumdoggian version of the traditional Polish pre-Lenten treat, glazed with blue goo from the Cuttlefish of Cthulhu and filled with jam made by boiling human heads. a Gwar plays Sat 9/12 at 1:40 PM on the Rise Stage.
Eclairs of Death Metal
It’s probably just a coincidence if this doughnut looks like a cock wrapped in black leather. Pull your zipper down! a Eagles of Death Metal play Fri 9/11 at 4:15 PM on the Rock Stage.
Against Wheat!
Don’t let anybody call you a trend hopper for picking this gluten-free bun. The white crosses on top stand for a former clarity. a Against Me! plays Fri 9/11 at 4:45 PM on the Rise Stage.
Echo & the Cinnamon
A tousled, slightly mopey old-fashioned that’s dusted with cinnamon-sugar kisses. a Echo & the Bunnymen play Sat 9/12 at 5:15 PM on the Riot Stage.
Branthrax
This high-fiber doughnut will help keep you regular, even if your band has diarrhea of the lead singer. Sprinkled with an unidentified white powder. a Anthrax plays Fri 9/11 at 7:15 PM on the Rebel Stage.
Iggy Popover
A fat-free puff pastry sprayed with glittery silver paint, speckled with broken glass, and streaked with blood. a Iggy Pop plays Sat 9/12 at 8:55 PM on the Rebel Stage.
Peach Slang
Peach cobbler in doughnut form—slightly fuzzy and comfortably familiar, but in a new kind of package. a Beach Slang plays Sun 9/13 at 6:30 PM on the Radicals Stage.
Cream Horn Toxic Event
DO NOT EAT THIS. a The Airborne Toxic Event plays Sun 9/13 at 7 PM on the Riot Stage.
Less Than Cake
A low-fat two-tone cake doughnut that’s half black and half white, unlike its namesake. Decorated with Pez. a Less Than Jake plays Sun 9/13 at 3:45 PM on the Rebel Stage.
Blood Guts & Pastry
Even Blag Dahlia might look down on you if you fuck this raspberry-glazed custard doughnut. a The Dwarves play Sun 9/13 at 2:10 PM on the Rebel Stage.
88 Fingers Gooey
This apple fritter (a nonvegan version of the Rise Against doughnut) is extra gooey and syrupy, so you can stick it to the back of your buddy’s leather jacket when you want to jump into the pit. a 88 Fingers Louie plays Fri 9/11 at 3:30 PM on the Riot Stage.
Iced Cube
This square chocolate-iced doughnut is specifically not for the police. a Ice Cube plays Fri 9/11 at 9 PM on the Roots Stage.