Roughly one in every nine acts on the Riot Fest lineup comes from Chicago, so if you circulate in Douglas Park all weekend you’re going to see some locals whether you mean to or not. But I’ll be honest: This far into festival season, I’m tired of talking about bands. So I’m going to treat these ten acts as though they were peanut butter. I’d like to see you stop me!

Once I committed to this idea, the next logical step was to plot the bands on the two axes fundamental to peanut butter: crunchy versus smooth and sweet versus salty. (I give it two years before you’ll see a chart just like this on the wall of an artisanal grocery in Logan Square.) This may be the least useful exercise of my music-writing career, but at least it’s not cheesy.

Sleep on It
Friday 1:50, Radicals Stage
When pop-punk takes cues from the Edge, it’ll be airy enough to spread with an index card.

Friday 6:05, Riot Stage
Maybe don’t lick the dark side of the spoon.

Vic Mensa
Friday 7:25, Rise Stage
Every bite is a surprise! How many recipes is this guy using at once?

Saturday 1:00, Heather Owen Stage
Their punk energy stirs things up just enough to keep the oil from separating.

La Armada
Saturday 2:00, Heather Owen Stage
Like stuffing your face with handfuls of peanuts still in their shells.

Knuckle Puck
Saturday 2:30, Rise Stage
You’ll want some jelly with this sassy pop-punk—or anything else that might make your ex . . . jelly.

Lawrence Arms
Saturday 5:30, Rise Stage
Tastes best right out of the jar the morning after a long night of drinking.

Real Friends
Sunday 1:45, Radicals Stage
Smooth as butter, with an occasional hunk of processed peanut to remind you it’s punk

Sunday 3:00, Rise Stage
A glass of milk will keep this stuff from getting stuck to the roof of your mouth—but you’re on your own with your brain.

Cap’n Jazz
Sunday 4:25, Riot Stage
Oh messy life! Oh messy knife!  v