Johnny: Live, from bunker 27, it’s the Saddam Ditka show!
Audience: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Johnny: Well, it’s certainly been an exciting week. You’ve got a real tough opponent, Saddam, in the Washington Infidels. What’s your game plan?
Saddam: We plan to beat them on the ground, Johnny. We’re not gonna let George Bush take us out of our game. That’s how we got here and that’s how we’ll stay.
Johnny: But Bush really likes to go to the air. These days, you can’t just win wars on the ground.
Saddam: You know, it’s real easy to sit up there and be a Monday-morning insane dictator. You guys aren’t the ones who are out there busting your butts every week, making it happen! But you’re all experts! We beat Iran on the ground, didn’t we?
Johnny: Actually, you didn’t beat Iran. It was a tie, in 70,000 overtimes. Maybe you can stick to the ground against an army like Iran, but against the big boys you really need the bombs.
Saddam: Our boys aren’t worried about air or ground, ground or air. It doesn’t matter to them. What matters to them is the way we see ourselves when we know it’s time to look for something other than what other people are worrying about and who we see when we’re looking for it whether it’s there or not. It takes a lot of character to do that.
Johnny: Uh–let’s look at some videotape. OK now, on offense, here’s a Scud falling harmlessly into the gulf. Not much success there.
Saddam: The Scuds are what got us here, Johnny. We’re sticking with the Scuds.
Johnny: OK now, here’s the oil slick. That worked pretty well.
Audience: Woof! Woof! Woof!
Saddam: The oil slick is something we’ve been saving up for a long time. We’ve had that in our book but we’ve been waiting for the right time to use it.
Johnny: OK, let’s go to the audience.
Guy in audience: Hi, oh Great Slayer of Satanic Sissies. Nice job against Iran. But why are you so stuck on the Scuds? They never hit their targets. They’re always getting intercepted. Why don’t you trade them all to Libya for some Minutemen?
Saddam: (Rolls his eyes in disgust.) You know, in life, you can’t always go around trading in your Scuds. Some guys trade in their Scuds the minute one of them lets them down. We don’t do business that way.
Other guy in audience: Yes, oh Mighty Duke of Oil. I really liked that draw play you used when your airstrips were being bombed. But I thought draw plays were against the Geneva Convention?
Saddam: What kind of question is that? (Snaps his fingers and armed guard machine-guns questioner to death.)
Audience: Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Johnny: Let’s look at defense. Now, when you started falling behind you went back to basics with the human shields.
Saddam: We’ve used the human shields before, Johnny, and they worked well. And you know whenever we do, the Infidels whine about this Geneva Convention stuff. But we know they’ve been using our guys they’ve captured as human shields against possible terrorist attacks.
Audience: Boooo! Hsssss!
Saddam: That’s right! They took four of our pilots they shot down and made them go to the Super Bowl! And they’re holding a whole bunch more prisoners at Disneyland!
Johnny: Now let’s talk injuries. Last week you tried and executed your top general for treason. So he’s out.
Saddam: We don’t know that, Johnny. He’s listed as questionable with a bullet hole in the temple. If he’s ready to go, we’ll put him out there. If not, we’ll go with somebody else. That’s the good thing about this bunch of guys. We don’t rely on one leader. It’s a different guy every week. That’s what got us here.
Johnny: Let’s go to the audience.
Yet another guy in audience who looks like all the other guys in audience: Yeah, oh Most Holy Humiliator of Humanists. Uh, you know the Infidels are real tough on the road. They’ve got a great reputation for storming into the other guy’s place and having things their own way, especially under Bush.
Saddam: (Shakes his head in exasperation and questioner is machine-gunned to death.) Jerk!