It was a big year for vehicle impoundment ordinances. And I’m not just saying that because I was, until October, the only prosecutor in the city’s legal department dealing with impounded cars. Mayor Daley and the City Council added two new offenses this year allowing police to seize cars. Now people playing loud music and minors driving after curfew will lose their vehicles, along with those caught fly-dumping or with drugs, guns, or prostitutes. The biggest prostitution sting in the city’s history took place this year, too. City impoundment revenues were fantastic, and street prostitutes moved to new locations, creating the illusion of progress.
In honor of a big year and my own farewell to vehicle impoundment, I’ve culled a list of the best defenses used by guys caught getting blow jobs from prostitutes in their cars. Enjoy!
I was really looking for someone to
do my laundry.
I have pellagra [a vitamin B deficiency] and I’m here because I was having symptoms.
I was just kidding.
I was just giving her a ride.
She was paying me for a ride.
I was looking for the Stadium.
She’s my wife.
She’s my girlfriend.
She’s a friend of my girlfriend.
I thought she was someone else.
I was trying to buy a piece of real estate; she told me she had a graystone for sale.
I had a flat tire.
I had an overheated engine.
I had a bad transmission.
I was just giving her money to buy milk
I was just looking for a restaurant.
I was just looking for an office supply store.
I was just looking for a bar.
I was asking for directions.
I was just taking a piss.
It’s not me.