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From a thread on Craigslist Chicago soliciting stories about SSB, or “secret single behavior,” a term coined on Sex and the City.

guys have SSB too

Reply to: anon-34137655@craigslist.org

Date: 2004-06-18, 5:32PM CDT

this is fucked, but here it is:

get drunk as hell then write my articles while listening to sad bastard music, but I ALWAYS get my best stuff that way – and you’ve probably read some of them – ever heard of a little weekly called the READER?

noisy stinky farts and other bodily functions that I revel in – ah, the human body…

call a girlfriend I’ve been seing for a long time and quickly tell her I love her, then just as quickly start an argument and hang up on her…once a week does it for me

naked naked naked, all day, every day, cook dinner, eat dinner, watch TV, naked naked naked

masterbate to 80’s vintage porn (the BEST, by the way), and wish some random girl would call just as I come, and then lay there and wish a random girl would also find me that way, sweaty and fulfilled, then repeat a few minutes or an hour later…when I’m bored I actually have daily jerking contests – my best day yet was when I came 5 times in 4 hours

HATE, just fucking HATE answering my cell or house phone…I just look at it, read who it is on the Caller ID, imagine them trying to tell me their’s a bomb in the room or something, then put it down and go back to my MASH reruns

Only eat generic cans of Mushroom soup – right out of the can

Only eat entire boxes of generic deluxe macaroni and cheese (for 3) with a can of tuna mixed in my stash is NOWHERE you’ll ever see it – I have “food” for the rest of my friends if and when they come over, but – why?

If I NEVER had to shower again every god-damn day because society told us to – I wouldn’t! As it is, when I’m alone, for days at a time, I DON’T! Take THAT, Emily Post!

I lay around on my new couch, dig into my ass through my shorts (bliss), and eat my canned food and eat generic crackers with the lights off as if the end of civilization had arrived and I’m the last one left. One night, I looked in the mirror and saw what looked like a drugged-out bum who hadn’t washed for three solid days, then quickly showered and shaved and went to a recent award show here in town – and shook hands with Gary Sinise! If he only knew where my hands had been a few hours earlier! bwahh ah ah!

thanks for seeing into my window.