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World Wide Web Fights presents

Imelda Marcos vs. Leona Helmsley

The Setting

Manhattan, 5th Avenue, Gioretties Imported Shoes. Only one pair of black, lamb fetus leather, spiked pumps left. Coming through the front door, freshly released from Club Fed is Leona Helmsley. She spies these oh-so-perfect shoes in the showcase and makes a beeline for them. She must have them at any cost!

At the same time, in the rear of the store, a door marked “VIP Secret Entrance” opens. In walks Imelda Marcos, looking for a new funeral ensemble. From across the store Imelda’s carefully honed shoe-sensitive eyes spot the same pair of shoes. What perfection! She must have them as well. No other pair will do.

As they both near the pedestal displaying the shoes, their hateful glares lock on each other. They both realize what the other is after. Their jaws tighten and their fists clench. Ordinary men would crumble from their fierce gazes. Only one woman is walking away with these shoes.

So Brian, who ends up with the shoes, and who gets carried out on a stretcher?

The Commentary

BRIAN: Gotta be Leona on this one, Steve. I mean she’s been in prison for the past several years! Aside from the obvious RAGE ™, she has been desperate for a good pair of pumps. In case you haven’t noticed, the shoes in women’s prisons aren’t exactly fashionable….Similar to a man being released from prison heading straight to the nearest singles bar and/or brothel, Leona has years of “fashion tension” built up inside of her and it needs to be released. And heaven help anyone who gets in the way (Imelda, salespeople, small mammals, etc.).

Imelda, on the other hand, isn’t nearly so desperate. She’s already got thousands of pairs of shoes, including scores of pairs appropriate for funerals. And she’s been buying away all those years that Leona was locked up; no tension there….The desire simply won’t be there. Imelda goes up to Leona expecting a standard catfight with the hair-pulling and the gouging and the kicking. Then Leona gives her the Lithuanian Jungle Stomp ™ that she learned from Bertha, her prison “friend.” Marcos never knew what hit her.

STEVE: I think you’ve misjudged the effect prison will have on Leona. If her cellmate was indeed named “Bertha” then you better expect a vast change in Leona’s personality. She has likely become submissive and meek….Imelda in 15 seconds.

BRIAN: Clearly, it has been a long time since you spent any time in a women’s prison because your analysis is far from reality. I, however, upon viewing countless hours of late night Skinemax ™ movies as an undergrad, have become an expert on the delicate social intertwinings of female incarceration facilities. If you become submissive and meek in a women’s prison, you don’t come out alive (I reference you to Wet, Nasty, and Doin’ Time ™).

STEVE: I could argue with you for hours over female inmate anthropology, but we’d be getting away from the point. Hard prison time or not, Leona will resort to her instinctual attack modes, not this Lithuanian Jungle Stomp ™ you mention….

Imelda laughs in Leona’s face. “Foolish woman. When it comes to shoes, you cannot defeat me.” Hideous laughter ensues, and Imelda brings a knee to Leona’s midsection, leaving her doubled over on the floor. Imelda wins easily.

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