Captured at newsgroup alt.cows.are.nice
From: VPVZ40A@prodigy.com (David Wyder)
Subject: The Borden Split
Hooker-Elsie and Elmer Borden were granted a divorce last Tuesday after more than 40 years of marriage. The divorce proceedings lasted for more than two months at the Pecus Superior Court and revealed many details about the famous cowple that were previously unknown. Judge Glen Bossy of the NHL Circus Court presided.
Elsie and Elmer founded the Borden Company in the 1930s with Elmer handling the Glue Division and Elsie the Milk Products Division. The Bordens, perhaps the richest bovine cowple in history, have an estimated fortune of 750 million dollars.
The cowple’s divorce came as a surprise to most in the bovine cowmunity. The divorce trial revealed a myriad of problems centering mainly around sexual infidelity, drug abuse, gambulling, and foolish business ventures.
Elmer was accused of infidelity with a horse and hanging out all day at the stables sniffing glue and gambulling away an estimated 20 million since 1984 at the racetrack. Elmer, once a robust 1,400 pounds, looked old and tired at the trial and had reportedly lost over 500 pounds due to his glue addiction.
Elsie was accused of infidelity with a goat and abusing BGH to the point where she has to be milked eight times a day. Elsie was also faulted for her investments in goat’s milk which lost the company an estimated 25 million in 1990 when she overplayed the market. Elsie weighed in at the trial at a bloated 1,850 pounds.
The Bordens also accused each other of “chicanery.” Elmer with a pretty hen named Sally and Elsie with a punk rock cock named Dean.
As a result of the divorce the cowple’s vast fortune will be split and the company evaporated. The cowple had no legal offspring so no custody battle took place. However, it was inferred that Elmer sired over 400 calves out of wedlock, a charge that he vigorously denied.
Yesterday, attorneys for the cowple announced separate book, moovie, board game, and T-shirt merchandising deals to help each tell their side of the story to the bovine public and forestall any prospects of future bankruptcy. Let the fat fly!
By David Mooey/Daily Cow #4/Cow News
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