02/06/2001 01:29AM KINKO’S PAGE 1 OF 1


We are in receipt of your letter requesting a refund of the $760 you recently provided to sponsor our co-ed floor-hockey team (formerly known as Beer Goggles) as well as the additional $95 you gave us for “quality cotton printed T-shirts.” The Chicago Sports and Social Club tanked without warning, and sadly it appears we will not be getting a refund of our league fee. As recent college graduates spending the better part of our entry-level salaries on rent and three channels of Cinemax, we simply don’t have the money at this time.

However, the King Speedy Printing spirit we displayed in last week’s 14-3 drubbing of the Zen Nudists remains ready, willing, and able to promote the benefits of high-speed duplication, full-color copying on demand, and free “velobinding” with a $300 minimum order. Several of us have taken marketing classes and, as such, understand that the benefits of sponsorship to King Speedy extend beyond the actual arena of play (let’s be honest, we weren’t exactly packing the bleachers at the Disney Magnet School gym). Therefore, in return for your ongoing support, you will continue to receive the following benefits as if the co-ed floor-hockey season had never been interrupted:

1. WEEKLY BAR EXPOSURE: Just as we did after our first game, our team–five members including goaltender, no fewer than two females–will enter Glascott’s Groggery on Halsted every Saturday after 9:00 PM and will make spectacles of ourselves for a period of no less than two (2) hours. Each member will be wearing his or her King Speedy quality cotton T-shirt and will shout “King Speedy rules!” at assigned intervals, probably whenever we refill the pitcher.

2. THE ADVANCE: During each visit to Glascott’s at least one (1) member of our team will make an awkward and drunken pass at a potential King Speedy customer he or she meets at the bar.

While attempting to impress this individual by revealing intimate secrets a sober person would be ashamed to tell his or her closest friend, the King Speedy team member will make subtle double entendres referencing your business, such as “Can your boyfriend make multiple two-sided copies without replacing the toner?” or “I’m looking for a man with ‘large format’ capabilities.”

3. THE KING SPEEDY WALK OF SHAME: Just after dawn every Sunday morning between now and April 8, at least one (1) team member will walk home, unshowered, from a regrettable sexual encounter wearing his or her King Speedy T-shirt, inappropriate shoes, and no jacket despite the crisp morning chill. The length of the route is guaranteed to be at least six (6) blocks through demographically desirable neighborhoods and will include one (1) stop at Starbucks.

As you can see, even without the administrative and logistical support of the Chicago Sports and Social Club, our team’s ability to build King Speedy brand awareness is unmatched. We look forward to discussing ways to leverage our promotional efforts into other areas of influence.


The King Speedy Printing Co-Ed Floor Hockey Team (1-0)