Dear Tom Frank,

I want to thank you for your insightful expose on those insidious and evil corporations which had the audacity to inflict fun, enjoyment and pleasure on people’s lives by renovating Navy Pier [October 13]. Can you believe those assholes? It’s really a sad day in America when close to a million people in a summer have to endure the pain of music, shops, restaurants, carnival rides and a view of the beautiful skyline of Chicago. And it’s all the fault of the capitalist elite. Bastards!

I too would much rather see the absolute glory of a dark, shuttered and decaying Navy Pier which no one would visit. I mean, why should hundreds of thousands of bourgeois be allowed to enjoy themselves when so many of the “impoverished” working class can’t afford the high admission price to Navy Pier of $0.00. What would Marx say? Karl would be pissed–that’s for sure.

Comrade Frank, I’m with you all the way in your indictment of those capitalist pigs, I mean rodents, at Disney. I remember going there and being forced to have all sorts of fun. It was so torturous and painful that I laughed and smiled the entire time there. Fun truly sucks!

Mr. Frank, you and I are kindred spirits in Bolshevist thought. Don’t believe what all those happy capitalist dogs are saying. I know our movement has seen several minor setbacks (i.e: the fall of Eastern Europe, the imminent fall of Cuba, the decline of communism in China, and the complete refutation and vivisection of socialist thought in the world), but brave souls like you and me must continue to carry the red flag of communism. We must continue to defy and resist the infinite beauty, freedom and prosperity of Capitalism. We must continue to rally behind the ideas of Mao and Stalin.

I never did understand why people get down on those two guys. I mean, so what, just because they killed off several million of their own people–big fucking deal! At least those people didn’t have to endure the torturous pleasures forced upon us by corporate America!

I implore you to keep on using those great pseudointellectual rationalizations in your column–it makes good filler and works well to confuse the preteen reader. I know how difficult it is to use facts, logic and reason to prove a point–that’s when it’s time to whip out shaky academic theories, wrap it in a bunch of big words and presto–you have a column–it gets them every time. I love it. Keep up the great work.

Your Bolshevik comrade,

Michael V. Timble

Roscoe Village