Do you like to tackle challenges in a lively environment?

We are seeking a creative problem-solver to run our large midwestern city. We have a sparkling lake, an internationally acclaimed downtown park, and a minor ($655 million) budget issue.

Superior financial skills are imperative. Chosen applicant needs to cut services while ensuring the continued timely collection of garbage, plowing of snow, patching of potholes, and removal of dead trees. Chosen applicant may deplete rainy-day fund, as well as dip into funds for hailstorms and lightning strikes, but may not raise taxes.

We are looking for a persuasive, charismatic leader. Personal magnetism, previously unimportant, will be essential now in building support, given a scarcity of contracts, grants, and jobs to dole out to supporters and aldermen. Position requires outstanding diplomatic ability. Chosen candidate will supervise a council which is expected to become less agreeable, and must field pointed questions from reporters, preferably without threatening to shoot them.

Applicant should have masterful strategic acumen and superb discretion. Chosen candidate must jump-start stalled gentrification process, while continuing to avoid the g-word. (May use “renaissance” or “transformation.”)

Our city has a declining bond rating, and modest difficulties with schools, public transit, recycling, racial segregation, child poverty, foreclosures, and gang violence. But also the internationally acclaimed downtown park.

Applicant should demonstrate an abiding faith that he/she can balance the budget, improve the lives of residents, and distribute resources more prudently and equitably. Or at least that he/she can keep city from falling into the sparkling lake.

PhD in business or public policy required, or two years as precinct captain. White House experience a plus: please note on resume. Candidate must have resided in city a minimum of one year, but exceptional applicants may receive “relocation” assistance from our Ghost Address Bureau.

Technical skills: Should be able to manipulate TIF and troubleshoot CTU, FOP, and BGA. Experience with WardPerfect and PowerClutchingPoint desirable.

Salary is $216,000. We also offer a splendid benefits package, including chauffeur, bodyguards, personal physician, City Hall shoe-shine, choice seats at sporting and cultural events, and unlimited visits to our internationally acclaimed downtown park.

Our city is an Equal Opportunity Employer, and profits from the various perspectives of a racially, culturally, and sexually diverse Democratic administration. As many as one of our 54 Mayors to date has been female, and we have picked a Republican for this position as recently as 1927.

E-mail resume and cover letter, with 12,500 references, to, by November 22. Finalists will be selected February 22, and applicant chosen April 5.

Please, no phone calls about this job!