Lead Story

Mr. Coke Is It, 59 (whose name was Fred Koch before he changed it legally), was found competent for trial in September on several charges involving mischief with his automobile in Brattleboro, Vermont. The court psychiatrist said Mr. It suffers from “mood swings” but is “enjoying the opportunity for the upcoming legal confrontations.”

Compelling Explanations

A 20-year-old man in Columbia, Missouri, complained, based on the state’s antiabortion law, that his driver’s license was wrongfully revoked. His lawyer reasoned that if life begins at conception, he was 21 when arrested for drunk driving and therefore subject to the more lenient adult law.

Richard Rohrbacher, a summer-camp owner in West Stockbridge, Massachusetts, was called before local authorities to respond to neighbors’ complaints about loud music on Labor Day. He blamed the noise on his weekend tenants, a women’s rights group whom he called a group of “aggressive lesbians” and who he said had imprisoned him for most of the weekend on the campgrounds. He said the group’s $16,000 check bounced.

Carien O’Brien, answering prostitution charges in San Jose, California, claimed in October that she practiced massage therapy called “therapeutic hand release,” taught to her three years ago by a member of the San Francisco 49ers football team.

Smooth Reactions

Tammie K. Groft, 37, stabbed in September by a male attacker in Albany, New York, within a half-inch of her heart, pulled the knife out and managed to stab the attacker in the back.

Tim Williams was arrested for assaulting Melinda Hines in Greensboro, North Carolina, after he allegedly choked her and rammed his head into her nose, breaking it, when she refused to let him cook the Thanksgiving turkey.

Joseph Climpson won $440,000 from a Miami jury in October for a 1987 incident at Food Giant. When he got to his car, he realized he had only nine limes after having been charged for ten. The clerk in the store refused to supply a tenth, so he got one off the shelf and exited, whereupon security guard Hugo Salazar pulled his gun and shot Climpson twice in the ribs.

Fetishes on Parade

Latest outhouse incident: Gary A. Ecsedy, 27, was arrested in August near Southbury, Connecticut, after a police officer discovered him hiding in the waste hole waiting for females to enter.

George DeDemonicis, 44, pleaded guilty in Enfield, Connecticut, in October to a scheme in which he would convince women that his “company” would give them brand-new underwear in exchange for their used underwear.

David Steven Collier, 25, of Macon, Georgia, was arrested in November on a beach near Bradenton, Florida, wearing only a pair of handcuffs. He was accompanied by a fully dressed woman who was holding the key.

Things You Thought Didn’t Happen

Charles Grubb, 50, robbed at machete-point of $200 by a woman in downtown Duluth in October, said that she returned $20 to him because he was “most generous.”

Grandmother Margaret Healy, 66, was arrested for prostitution in New York City after she stripped down to black lingerie in October for undercover police officers. She later obtained release without bail because of “frail health.”

Frederick’s of Hollywood announced recently it plans to open a lingerie museum featuring the unmentionables of Madonna, Cher, and Shirley MacLaine, among others.

A Los Angeles Times poll in October revealed that one southern Californian in five has not walked as much as four city blocks during the last year and that one in three owns three or more cars.

The National Chastity Association claims to have four members in New York City, including a virgin 30-year-old female dancer named Seva Anthony.

Police in Santa Monica, California, reported arresting for DUI, in the early-morning hours of September 3, a 48-year-old man whose real name is Jesus Christ.

A Duke Power Company cleanup worker, killed in the aftermath of Hurricane Hugo in North Carolina, was buried in the Hugo Cemetery in his hometown of Hugo, Colorado.

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): illustration/Shawn Belschwender.