The New Obituary Section!

It hits lower. Digs deeper than the standard six feet.

Colonel McCormick? He’s dead!


Taking a swing at the dead

By Greg Simetz



You’re home. You’re home. So…have you considered home delivery of the Tribune? Check it out: only 22 cents daily; 78 cents Sundays. If you’re busy right now, we’ll call back during dinner.


George Burns, 100, finally kicked, allowing thousands of Dead Pool players to cash in after ten insufferably long years of waiting. Not that I’m happy about it–I had David Brinkley.


Ella Fitzgerald, 78, the First Lady of Incomprehensible Lyrics.

The good news: Michael Jackson wants to buy her bones. The bad news: He’s a leg man.


Margaux Hemingway, 41, starred in one of my all-time favorite movies–Lipstick.

When you see Papa, tell him the safety goes to the left.


And remember, death is an option: Abe Vigoda–are you

dead yet?


Hey, Erma Bombeck, 69, remember when you said that if you look like your passport photo, you’re dead? Say “Cheese.”


Noted British archaeologist Mary Leakey, 83, once discovered a fossilized, prehistoric skull of a humanlike creature in Tanzania–Homo africanus.

Big whip. I once discovered a fossilized humanlike creature at the Trib–Homo-PhoboRoyko.


Spiro Agnew, 77, was Nixon’s onetime right-hand man. Now he is again. In hell.


Word is 2-Pac Shakur, 25, has been given a new rap moniker for an upcoming posthumous release–Ice Cold.


Jimmy “The Greek” Snyder, 77, oddsmaker and sportscaster, once claimed blacks were superior atheletes due to the breeding practices of southern white slave owners. I’ll lay you two to one that those slaves are making Jimmy earn the nickname “Greek” right about now.


The inscrutable Polish filmmaker Krzysztof Kieslowski, 54, deserves praise for having created a new movie genre: the long-form perfume commercial.


Former NFL commissioner Pete Rozelle, 70, of a brain tumor. He is survived by 48,000,000 football widows.


Navy admiral Jeremy Boorda, 57, died from self-inflicted gunshot wounds. Man, that takes guts–killing yourself like that, to save face and all. He should get a medal or something.


Alger Hiss, 92, swore on his deathbed that he never worked for the Russians as a master spy.

Yeah, right Al. Next you’re gonna tell us that the CIA facilitated the introduction of crack into urban America.

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): Cardinal Bernardin photo.