Tuesday, May 21, 12:40 PM, 200 block of West Monroe. Assault. 27-year-old male Burger King employee hurled uniform and box of condiments at 47-year-old manager, who’d just fired him. Offender fled. Victim refused medical attention.

Thursday, May 23, 1 PM, 1100 block of West Randolph. Theft. Store employee spotted man loading 24 stolen teddy bears into trunk of car. Offender was arrested.

Sunday, June 2, 6:45 PM, 600 block of West Harrison. Unlawful possession of a lance. Police observed 34-year-old female walking down the street carrying a six-foot lance tipped with an 18-inch blade. Upon arrest, offender claimed she was unaware she was breaking the law.

Saturday, June 8, 2800 block of South King. Burglary. Responding to report of three boys breaking into side door of elementary school, police observed two suspects, both nine, on playground in possession of stolen booty–one Polaroid camera, one box of Cheerios, two boxes of Stick ‘Em Up stickers, one bottle of Wite-Out, four Magic Markers, and a bag of Smucker’s jelly beans. Third suspect was observed later on same playground wearing no shirt. As police approached, third suspect began to cry and confessed to theft of Cheerios.

Sunday, June 9, 4:30 PM, 7600 block of South Cicero. Shoplifting, assault. Three sisters, ages 9, 11, and 14, were observed by Ford City Mall store employee stuffing clothing into backpacks. When confronted at store entrance, oldest girl attacked 27-year-old male employee with a picture frame, cutting his hand. Escorted to security office, she then palmed a canister of pepper spray from a desk and sprayed three more employees. Officer injured wrist attempting to subdue her, and offender continued to struggle until she was handcuffed.

Tuesday, June 25, 6900 block of South Fairfield. Assault. Ten-year-old boy denied report card because of overdue library books struck his teacher about chest, body, and arms while repeatedly yelling, “You’re going to give me my report card!”