Saturday, September 14, 100 block of South Halsted, time unknown. Theft. 38-year-old male offender and 27-year-old female offender were observed leaving pharmacy without paying for four bottles of Oil of Olay. Police officers located getaway vehicle–maroon GMC van–as it pulled into lot near one offender’s home. Antiaging cream was recovered.

Monday, September 16, 5800 block of South Western, time unknown. Burglary. Unknown offender or offenders cut fence and entered used-car lot, smashing office window and stealing bumper from Cadillac El Dorado. Nothing else reported missing.

Wednesday, September 18, 200 block of South Wabash, 1:45 PM. Public indecency. 46-year-old female offender wearing black mesh shirt exposing one of her breasts called out to group of men, “instructing them to look at her breast,” according to police. When suspect was apprehended, 35-year-old male onlooker became enraged and began hurling insults at arresting officers. He was charged with disorderly conduct.

Thursday, September 19, 600 block of West Harrison, 11:35 PM. Possession of foliage. 39-year-old male offender was observed by officers conversing with Greyhound passengers in bus station in an area known for robberies and drug sales. Officers watched offender place plastic bag in right pant pocket. Despite offender’s protestations that it wasn’t “real weed,” police arrested him and confiscated bag. Back at station house it was determined the bag, in fact, held “nothing more than weed from a bush,” according to police.

Saturday, September 21, 6300 block of South Western, 9:13 PM. Assault. 39-year-old male offender attacked his dentist with a cellular phone after becoming enraged at charge on outstanding bill. Doctor received stitches on lip and head.

Wednesday, October 2, 1200 block of South State, 12:05 PM. Theft. Unknown male offender stole two corn dogs and two-piece chicken dinner from supermarket. Offender left behind hard hat, leading investigators to conclude that he may work at nearby construction project. Suspect remains at large.