Sunday, April 1, 4:50 PM, 1600 block of West Gregory. Arson, assault. Man discovered roommate sitting on couch staring raptly at blazing table. “I don’t know how this fire got started and how we’re going to turn it off,” the roommate said. Man extinguished flames before fire department arrived. Police were called when roommate began shouting and elbowed a firefighter in the ribs.

Friday, April 13, 2:01 AM, 3500 block of North Sheffield. Assault. Three western suburbanites in a sports utility vehicle were arrested after a passenger maced a Chicago police officer standing on the sidewalk. The vehicle became stuck in traffic as the officer radioed for backup and then apprehended the offenders.

Friday, April 20, between 6:45 AM and 10 AM, 900 block of South Carpenter. Burglary. Unknown offender forced open door to residence. Prepared and consumed frozen pizza. A pair of sunglasses was also reported missing.

Thursday, April 26, 5:10 PM, 1900 block of West Addison. Telephone harassment. Unknown man phoned woman and asked if she had seen the movie Bambi. Critical discussion was aborted when caller broached “how bad it was when Bambi died at the end.” Woman hung up, called police.

–Mike Sula