May 1, 7:15 PM, 3300 block of North Belmont Harbor. Sexual assault. Woman and pet lizard were basking in sun when approached by man on bicycle. Lizard was frightened by stranger and leaped to woman’s shoulder. Offender pretended to stroke lizard but instead reached for woman’s breast. Woman struck offender, who fled on his bicycle.

May 5, 7 PM, 1300 block of West Leland. Robbery. Knife-wielding female teen held up ice cream vendor for $69, providing cover for three other teens who absconded with ten ice cream bars. Assailant escaped. Treat thieves apprehended.

May 7, 3:30 PM, 4700 block of North Sheridan. Public indecency. Woman was asked to leave homeless shelter for misbehavior. Offender retaliated by baring buttocks, exclaiming “Ass! Ass! Ass!” before fleeing.

May 9, 10:54 PM, 1100 block of West George. Arson. Respond-ing to call, firefighters extin-guished blazing, melting Port-a-Potty.

May 20, 7:30 AM, 2oo block of South Halsted. Criminal trespass, assault. Victim confronted unknown offender lurking on roof of Greek restaurant. Offender distracted him by saying, “Look down,” then pushed him over edge. Victim managed to catch ledge and hang briefly before dropping to ground. Offender vanished. Victim was in fair condition with possible foot fracture.

–Mike Sula