February 13, 3 PM, 5300 block of South Maryland. Criminal damage to property. Woman called ex-boyfriend and told him to “go out and see your Valentine’s Day presents.” Man discovered two slashed tires on Cadillac and two on pickup truck. When filling out police report, man listed occupation as “tire buyer.”

February 13, 7:30 PM, 9000 block of South Commercial. Criminal damage to vehicle. Intoxicated man approached police car and kicked and punched it until he made a dent in the passenger door. Police asked, “Why are you doing this?” Man replied, “Because I want to go to jail.” Police accommodated him.

February 14, 6 PM, 1200 block of North Dearborn. Breaching the peace. Man called police to say that other man had been screaming obscenities and insults at him through vent connecting their apartments. Other residents of buildings told police similar stories. When officers confronted offender, he began to swing arms wildly and was arrested.

February 22, 8:50 AM, 5000 block of North Winthrop. Reckless conduct. Building engineer monitoring security camera spotted resident using bow to shoot arrows at wall in hallway. Police arrived. Man admitted offense and apologized.

–Neal Pollack