April 27, 12:15 PM, 1500 block of West Belle Plaine. Public indecency. Elderly man on church steps across street from high school track pulled open trench coat to reveal pants with hole cut in crotch and began fondling self. Girls in gym class attempted to ignore him. After 40 minutes, police arrived, chased man, and arrested him.

May 5, 7:09 AM, 4400 block of North Lake Shore Drive. Bomb scare. Jogger discovered concrete ball embedded with nails hanging from wire under viaduct, as well as plastic gallon jug filled with unknown, milky substance. Police called in bomb and arson squad, which determined that objects were not explosive.

May 5, 10:15 PM, 100 block of West Maple. Assault. Man and woman attempted to cut in line and enter restaurant. Doorman called police. Officer told couple to move on and left. A few minutes later, officer returned to find man yelling and swearing at doorman. Man poked officer in stomach and said, “Get out of my way, you fat fuck.” Officer said, “If you touch me again, you will be arrested.” Man punched officer in arm. Officer knocked man down. Woman attempted to hit officer with purse. Officer pushed her down and arrested both.

May 15, 9:30 PM, 1600 block of West Belmont. Burglary. Woman returned home from work to find apartment had been broken into. Missing were two pairs of underwear and perfume bottle. Woman told police she suspects estranged husband.

–Neal Pollack