July 6, 9 PM, 100 block of West North. Assault. Man walked in front of woman’s car as she attempted to make turn. “Don’t hit me, fucker!” man shouted. He then spat at vehicle, hitting woman’s nine-year-old son. Woman flagged down police, who arrested man. He told them he’d spat at the car because he couldn’t find anything to throw at it.

July 9, 9 PM, 4900 block of North Saint Louis. Assault. Teenager took man’s cat from yard, walked 20 feet to Chicago River, and threw it in. Cat owner heard ruckus, looked out of building, and saw cat emerging from water. Police arrived. Teen admitted he had thrown cat in several times. He was arrested. Cat survived, but is no longer allowed to go outside.

July 15, 1 AM, 2500 block of North Lincoln. Battery. Man became upset during Cubs versus Sox conversation and hit another man in face with beer stein. Offender fled and was apprehended by police after short foot chase. Police also arrested victim after determining he was underage and had been drinking.

July 17, 1:30 AM, 4500 block of North Lincoln. Criminal damage to property. Unknown offender spray-painted words “Coathangers 5¢. Abortions $5. Corporate whores,” on windows of Starbucks. Police also discovered dried egg on windows and unknown “sticky substance” in door locks.

–Neal Pollack