Thursday, January 30, 3900 block of West 57th Place, 3:30 PM. Burglary. 82-year-old man reported house keys missing after allowing two girls to use his phone. Upon returning from police station, victim discovered his keys on the front porch; missing from inside were items including a World War II-era Luger, a Beretta, a Mauser, and a live hand grenade. Victim told police he’d been given permission to take the weapons home by President Dwight Eisenhower.

Sunday, February 2, 600 block of South Wabash, 7:15 PM. Impersonating an officer. 24-year-old liquor store owner arrested after being observed “patrolling” his own store wearing an official Chicago police uniform and carrying a baton and CB radio. “I just put it on to scare the bums away,” offender said later.

Friday, February 14, 121 N. LaSalle. Terrorist threats. On two separate occasions, unidentified offender called City Hall warning “he would kill the mayor if he opposed him.” Caller offered no other specifics.

Friday, February 14, 3300 block of West Byron. Theft. 42-year-old female victim was carrying home a dozen red roses when a man “with bulging eyes” emerged from a dark blue car and threatened her with a knife. Offender took roses and joined a woman waiting in the car before fleeing east on Byron.

Friday, February 21, 4200 block of North Drake. Theft. Victim reported 30 fishing poles missing from garage.

Wednesday, March 5, 1000 block of West Bryn Mawr, 11:15 AM. Theft. Offender examining one-pound bag of Starbucks espresso asked barista for the price. “$9.95,” replied the employee, whereupon offender ran from the store with the coffee and fled the scene in a Mercedes 500SL.