February 27, 3 PM, 1000 block of West Grace. Indecent exposure. Woman told police that while walking dog near cemetery she spotted severed breast in what appeared to be sacrificial offering. Police investigated and found bowl containing beans, bread, candles, and poultry neck. Alleged breast turned out to be segment of melon.

March 5, 2 PM, 3000 block of North Mobile. Extortion. Coach witnessed high school student giving 50 cents to another student, who had recently proclaimed that “anyone not cool with me” would have to pay daily tribute of up to $2. Police arrived, arrested teen, and turned him over to juvenile authorities.

March 6, 12:15 AM, 6300 block of West Fullerton. Assault. Two men threw snowballs at man’s car. Victim yelled at them to stop. Men then fired two bullets, missing victim. He fled.

March 13, 11:50 PM, 2900 block of North Halsted. Criminal trespass to vehicle. Man left ’99 Jaguar with restaurant valet. Upon finishing dinner, man found car missing and called police, who rushed to scene. Valet reappeared and admitted that he’d picked up cousin and put 67 miles on victim’s car.

–Neal Pollack