June 4, 7 PM, 1300 block of West Sunnyside. Criminal trespass. Man returned home from work to discover note on closet door that read, “If you want anything, you have to invest so much.” Nothing was missing from apartment, but rear window had been left open. Man opened closet to find wild bird flapping around. Bird, which had defecated on man’s clothing, flew out window.

June 9, 10 AM, 500 block of West Montrose. Assault. Man jogging in park picked up golf ball belonging to another man. Golfer told him to return it. Man dropped ball and continued jogging, but golfer followed. They argued. Golfer ran at man with club and threatened to “bust his head.” Golfer was arrested.

June 10, 7:15 AM, 2700 block of North Lincoln. Public indecency. Woman saw man masturbating in alley and called police. She complained that man had been performing act for the past three days. Police arrived and arrested man.

June 12, 12:15 AM, 1100 block of West 112th Place. Criminal trespass. Police received call about car containing weapons. They towed car to police station. Owner of car found out about towing, went to police station, broke into car with friend, and drove car back home. Police discovered car missing, returned to original location, retrieved car, and arrested men.

–Neal Pollack