Saturday, July 5, 4 PM, 4500 block of North Sheridan. Robbery. 42-year-old male was approached on sidewalk by three unknown male offenders. One brandished corkscrew and appropriated victim’s backpack, fleeing east. Bag contained pair of jeans and bottle of shampoo.

Wednesday, July 9, 9:30 AM, 4100 block of North Marine. Battery. 33-year-old female offender in ’96 four-door silver Honda struck front bumper of ’91 Mercedes-Benz belonging to male acquaintance as he exited garage. Offender stated “I’ll kill you” before leaving scene. At her apartment she confessed to investigators, “I did it–take me to jail. I wrecked his boat too.” Victim reported three-inch tear in boat canopy and damage to satellite navigational system. Boat’s seat cushions had been jettisoned into Belmont Harbor.

Sunday, July 13, Foster Avenue Beach, 6:45 PM. Aggravated assault of protected employee. City lifeguard ordered 36-year-old female offender wading in lake to refrain from exposing naked breasts. Offender cursed at second lifeguard attempting to restrain her, kicking him twice in groin. Offender was subdued until arrival of police, who described her as “intoxicated and highly uncooperative.”

Friday, July 18, 4:45 PM, 875 N. Michigan. Robbery. 23-year-old male, having just taken digital photographs of fellow diners Beyonce Knowles and Jay-Z as they dined at the Cheesecake Factory, was approached by six-foot-four, 320-pound male offender who grabbed victim’s right hand and demanded camera. Victim refused. Offender, apparently part of musicians’ security detail, twisted victim’s hand and said, “Give me the camera or you go to jail.” Camera was surrendered, and offender repaired to yellow Hummer. Victim suffered swollen hand but refused medical attention.