June 10, 9 PM, 3100 block of North Ashland. Robbery. Man knocked on window of pet-care store and began shouting unintelligibly. Assistant manager opened store. Once inside, man pulled gun, took $1,000 from register, and tied up manager with dog leash. After man fled, manager knocked phone off hook with head and dialed 911 with tongue. Police arrived and freed manager.

June 13, 3:30 AM, 3500 block of North Fremont. Robbery. Man walking home from convenience store with can of Pepsi, slices of turkey bologna, and bag of potato chips was jumped by three men. Victim flipped one of them off his back and managed to get away, leaving groceries behind. As victim fled, he heard one offender say, “The motherfucker only got bologna!”

June 18, 7:50 AM, 5300 block of North Lincoln. Assault. Man using pay phone in restaurant was approached by another man who yelled at him and told him to hang up. Offender then threatened man with large pair of metal tongs and fled. Police toured area, but could not find offender.

June 23, 9 AM, Illinois and State. Criminal damage to property. Unknown number of offenders broke second-floor window of mortgage company. They disabled alarm, placed bags over various pieces of office equipment, and left through back door. Motive remains unclear.

–Neal Pollack