September 10, 10:45 AM, 7300 block of North Sheridan. Theft of service. Cabbie picked up man downtown and drove him to far-north-side motel. Man announced that he had no money and could not pay the $32 fare. Driver took man to police station, and police confirmed that man had no money, ATM card, or credit cards. Man said, “Well, see you later!” He turned to walk away and was arrested.

September 12, 1:50 PM, 1500 block of West Jarvis. Burglary. Woman in car saw her estranged husband carrying several of her possessions down Clark Street. She pulled over and asked husband what he was doing. “You better be nice to me,” he said. Woman returned home to find her apartment had been broken into. Later that day, police spotted husband wearing stolen leather jacket. He claimed jacket belonged to him and that he had gone to apartment to retrieve it. He was taken into custody but released without being charged.

September 14, 2:30 PM, 100 block of West Huron. Robbery. Man walking to hotel room was shoved into door by man with gun. Perpetrator took $75 and ordered victim to strip naked and put on a condom. Victim escaped from hotel room, wearing nothing but condom, and alerted hotel staff. He returned with police to find his pants had been stolen.

September 21, 4:30 AM, 2600 block of North Stockton. Burglary. Man breaking into car was stopped by police on routine patrol. After a brief chase, he was caught with car radio, burglary tools, a towel, and gloves. Police booked him.

“I shoulda stayed home,” he said.

–Neal Pollack