Dear Reader,

I was unsure whether or not to send this letter to Cecil Adams. I am thoroughly confused about something that I read in your paper and maybe you could clear some things up for me. Are there two Liz Phairs? I know there are two Bill Wymans, one being the former bassist for the Rolling Stones, the other your record critic. It’s because of the record critic Wyman that I am in question of this Phair doppelganger.

A few weeks back [Hitsville, December 16] Wyman, the record critic, wrote of “a Liz Phair” whose LP was being bungled by burping record executives. The mismanagement was so bad that the LP was in danger of falling off the Billboard charts, undoubtedly giving it less longevity than the putrid Voodoo Lounge or Division Bell LPs. After reading Wyman, the record critic’s, article I felt nothing but anger towards the record company, Billboard, and the nation for not buying this album. Wyman, the record critic, painted quite a bleak picture for this struggling Liz Phair.

In great contrast there is the Liz Phair I know of. The successful North Shore girl turned Wicker Park pop queen. I have seen this Liz Phair on David Letterman and on the cover of Rolling Stone. She has been named (along with the likes of John Travolta and Rikki Lake) one of the 25 most “Intriguing People” of 1994 by People magazine. Just this past week Chicago magazine gave her an outstanding citizen honor. Her CD is plastered in every record store I’ve been in. It’s on Tower’s top 20, her singles are on Q-101’s play it till you puke roster, and oh yeah, she’s been nominated for a Grammy.

I think my confusion is just. How could the poor waif that Wyman, the record critic, wrote of be the same as this mega pop star? It just can’t be! Unless the Reader can produce this second trampled underfoot Liz Phair, I think the Reader should then put Wyman where he belongs. Section four with all the other comic strips. Maybe get Heather McAdams to illustrate his articles. It could only be a plus.

The Abscessed Tooth

Wicker Park

PS: Hey Bill if you’re still wondering why her album isn’t selling I suggest you reread the Albini Letter from last year. It’s all there. Learn it. Live it. It is the absolute truth.