To the editors:

[Re: Hitsville] For industry spectators bored with such games as deciding whether Mariah is a more histrionic banshee than Whitney, or whether Madonna crotch-grabs a more impressive handful than Michael, I offer an up-to-the-minute Music Critic Pop Quiz.

Can you name all four famous entities that Bill Wyman, in recent columns, characterized as:

a) scary

b) a Eurasian woman

c) a cock sucker

d) scary

The answers are: a) the band, Ministry; b) Michael Jackson; c) Freddie Mercury; d) the Pope (of course, Ministry’s Al Jourgensen and Rome’s “Il Papa” are weirdly interchangeable, scariness-wise).

I have little doubt that “hoof-in-mouth disease” will eventually crush Wyman beneath the weight of his own loose-cannon ego, but personal feelings aside, doesn’t he find the fact that people care about the bratty antics of a wispy-voiced bald-headed girl just a tad . . . SCARY?

T. Diane Slatton

E. 44th St.