If sugar-addled buyers at last week’s All Candy Expo at Navy Pier stopped gobbling free samples long enough to notice, they might have been disturbed to learn what confectioners must know: sick sells. Aliens (UFO Space Pop) and money (Zillionaire$) are big. So are monsters (Dracula’s Blood & Tears) and bodily fluids (Snot!, Droolers). Some still dare to suggest there’s a connection between sweetness and light–Testamints include a passage from the Good Book on every little package. But the savviest Willy Wonkas are targeting the exploding misunderstood-pubescent-with-a-key-to-the-gun-cabinet market. Attorneys might consider brushing up on the Twinkie Defense.
Atomic Fire Ball
Bang Pops
Bazooka Blasts
Bite d’Dust
Blitz Power Mints
Blood Suckers
Box of Bones
Bubble Tape Blasters
Candy Grenade
Combatz
Cry Baby Tears
Dork Fruit Chews
Eye Poppers
Frisk
Grape Rage Push Pop
Hot Boom
Loco Coco
Mega Warheads
Mutant Pop Screamers
Neon Lazers
Ouch! Bubbble Gum
Shock Tarts
Skull Suckers
Sour Power Straws
Sour Punch
Sour Screamers
Spitter
Squareshooter Exotic Pops
Suck an Egg
Target Candy
Tear Jerkers
Toxic Waste
Whips
–Mike Sula
Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): illustration by Mike Werner.