If sugar-addled buyers at last week’s All Candy Expo at Navy Pier stopped gobbling free samples long enough to notice, they might have been disturbed to learn what confectioners must know: sick sells. Aliens (UFO Space Pop) and money (Zillionaire$) are big. So are monsters (Dracula’s Blood & Tears) and bodily fluids (Snot!, Droolers). Some still dare to suggest there’s a connection between sweetness and light–Testamints include a passage from the Good Book on every little package. But the savviest Willy Wonkas are targeting the exploding misunderstood-pubescent-with-a-key-to-the-gun-cabinet market. Attorneys might consider brushing up on the Twinkie Defense.

Atomic Fire Ball

Bang Pops

Bazooka Blasts

Bite d’Dust

Blitz Power Mints

Blood Suckers

Box of Bones

Bubble Tape Blasters

Candy Grenade


Cry Baby Tears

Dork Fruit Chews

Eye Poppers


Grape Rage Push Pop

Hot Boom

Loco Coco

Mega Warheads

Mutant Pop Screamers

Neon Lazers

Ouch! Bubbble Gum

Shock Tarts

Skull Suckers

Sour Power Straws

Sour Punch

Sour Screamers


Squareshooter Exotic Pops

Suck an Egg

Target Candy

Tear Jerkers

Toxic Waste


–Mike Sula

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): illustration by Mike Werner.