Everyone has dating war stories, and we asked for yours: bad first dates, good breakups, online exploits, and one-night stands. Much to our surprise, that’s exactly what we got. There was the cougar who said dating in Chicago was like being a kid in a candy store, the guy who offered a look at the same-sex habits of postal workers, and one with the memorable first line, “If I had to measure it, I’d say it was approximately a pint worth of shit.” And those are the ones that didn’t make the cut. The stories here include a bar hookup that ended with endless repetition, a woman who quit weed to find love, and a man who says he’s doing his part for the war by keeping soldiers’ wives happy. Talk about a war story . . . —Julia Thiel

Monica EkksScott’s Cock

“He is still distraught over the laughter of the lightweight”

Richard WilcoseMy Bloody Valentine

“It kind of makes sense that she would blow me while I played Call of Duty on his X-Box”

Sofia Penelope Brown555-Weed

“I have no job and just got out of jail. You really think I’m marriage material?”

Marisa VlasakThe Girl With the Elephant Balloon

“He came to our date with a leisure suit, and some odd-looking hat”

S.L. WisenbergParis

“I remember thinking that he looked like a north African Elvis Presley, but in a good way.”

Jack BergerSay It Again, Vince

“‘I mean, I’m just totally rock ‘n’ roll,’ he said, once. And then again.”