“Does Your Pet Need an Animal Psychologist?,” “How Can I Tell If My Horse Is Sick?,” and “Treating a Sick Fish” are among the 39 informational tapes provided by the Chicago Veterinary Medical Association and the Chicago Public Library at 342-5738.

And you thought it was just a physical thing. Northwestern University sociologist Charles C. Moskos on the Moscow Marines’ loss of virtue (Insight, May 4, 1987): “What we’re seeing may be the result of the marketplace military, of the all-volunteer concept, of the idea that there is no such thing as obligation. . . . There’s no real institutional center, either in the military or in the country, telling people what’s right and wrong, and enforcing it.”

If more than 48 amateur gamblers sign up, the Little City Foundation will produce what it bills as the World’s Greatest Charity Poker Tournament June 14-15. You get your chips by contributing $5,000 to Little City’s programs for the developmentally disabled; if you win –the game is seven-card stud, and the maximum number of players is 114 — you get a Rolls-Royce.

“Reports of gunfire [to 911] at times yield no immediate police response,” according to Neighborhoods (April/May 1987), newsletter of the Chicago Alliance for Neighborhood Safety. “Logan Square residents . . . called 911 at least 24 times in a four-hour period one evening to complain about gang activities which resulted in noise, public drunkenness, and drug use. The police did arrive, but it took several hours, and the gangs had already dispersed.”

“I knew for sure I was a grown-up when I got that invitation to a tupperware party,” writes Yvonne Zipter in Windy City Times (April 16, 1987). “But this wasn’t just any tupperware party — it was a dyke tupperware party. The tupperware representative was a lesbian and so were those of us there to ‘buy.’ . . . we cracked jokes and passed the sample wares with mock enthusiasm. We had a lot of fun, though, and some of us even ordered a few things. . . . But I couldn’t help thinking that the problem was still essentially that tupperware just doesn’t fit the average lesbian’s lifestyle.”

The Chicago Audubon Society would like you to buy votes, as many as possible, to decide the names for five young peregrine falcons to be raised in Chicago this summer for later release. For $5 you get one vote — a choice among such alternatives as “Icarus,” “Flash,”‘ and “Pilot.” For $1,000 you can name your own falcon whatever you please. Any similarity to any real election is purely coincidental; no CHA jobs will be awarded.

“There’s so much cleaning up to be done in Chicago, I don’t see anyone being put out of work,” says U.S. senator and would-be president Paul Simon of his guaranteed-jobs plan in Chicago Enterprise (April 1987). “Under my program, you would pay everyone for a 32-hour [four-day] workweek at the minimum wage; that’s $107 a week. . . . The fifth day, people would go out and look for a private-sector job. . . . You say minimum wage at 32 hours a week isn’t very much money. But it’s higher than the average welfare payment in all but three states.”

New Age vibrators, as touted in a recent press release for a north-side dealer in amethyst quartz crystals for healing: “Quartz crystals have been used for years in scientific and electronic equipment like radios, watches, and measuring devices. . . . The molecular structure of quartz enables it to oscillate at a constant rate when electricity is passed through it. Proponents of the amethyst’s healing powers believe that the body’s own electrical charge can cause the crystal to vibrate and, in effect, serve as a neurological ‘pacemaker’ to bring the body into harmony.”

“Don’t do something — just let it sit there” could be the motto of conservators protecting historic objects, judging from the Chicago Historical Society newsletter Past-Times (April 1987). “Alterations, damage, wear — these are all part of an artifact’s history,” explains CHS costume conservator Anna Kolata. “And because we are a history museum, that information is especially important to us. There’s a fine line between preservation and restoration, and part of the conservator’s job is to decide where that line should be drawn. . . . You must . . . develop a sense of what’s important in that object. And then you have to proceed with great caution, always keeping in mind that the less you do to the artifact, the better.”

“I had never seen a Black yuppie until I went to Chicago. Believe it or not, that was an inspiration,” writes Lisa Ferguson, last year a student at Metro High School, this year a senior in Uniontown, Pennsylvania (Substance, March-April, 1987). “With all the council wars and bigotry in the Windy City, Blacks are offered the chance to pull up out of the slums and into affluent positions as doctors, lawyers, and even mayors. There are role models.”

It’s not just AIDS, the Hyde Park Hospital Healthnews (Spring 1987) reminds us: gonorrhea in women has doubled since 1970, syphilis in newborn babies has doubled in the last 10 years, chlamydia is up, and herpes cases have increased by 350 percent since 1970. “The steps recommended for protection against AIDS are the best protection against other STDs,” says the hospital. “Then there is always monogamy.”

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): illustration/Carl Kock.