5,000 variations of that “ping” sound

NORAD security codes

Simpering twentysomethings who’re angry they aren’t millionaires yet

Simpering twentysomething millionaires who still can’t get dates

Ears and tails of business rivals

Pictures of every person in North America in his or her underwear

Robotic clones of world leaders

Plans for launching Y2K + 1 crisis

Briefings from Trilateral Commission

The very essence of life itself (beta version)

More overseas ballots

Stale Skittles

Pamela’s implants (purchased on eBay)

Purloined “Star Wars” scripts for next three episodes

7.8 metric tons of Nerf toys

All that money lost on tech stocks this year

Art accompanying story in printed newspaper (not available in this archive): illustration/Godfrey Carmona.