So who do you think would win in a fight between Liz Armstrong [Chicago Antisocial] and Debra Pickett? I know you’re probably going to say Armstrong, but consider the following:

Heightwise, I figure they’re about equal, four-foot-nine in stocking feet; but Liz in her four-inch spikes will have it over Deb in her flip-flops. On the other hand, agewise, Deb admits to being 32, while Liz, with her latent maternal reflections, sounds like she is pushing 35–advantage Pickett.

The big question, of course, will be stamina, and here I go with Pickett. Years of binge boozing while laughing hysterically and writhing in pools of piss and vomit have got to have taken it out of Armstrong, while Pickett has trained methodically to conquer the Himalayas.

Armstrong talks a great game, and we can count on her to come out swinging, but Pickett has carefully analyzed the tapes of the Danny Bonaduce/Donny Osmond three-rounder and learned her lessons well. Keep Liz out of head-butting range for the first round, land the jabs in the second, and finish her off when she has nothing left in the third.

At any rate, whoever wins, it would be a great fight. Proceeds would go to PETA, and the winner would take on Susanna in a dance off.

Ed Margolis

E. Adams