Citizens of Earth! This is an APB! All Points Bulletin! I interrupt your life momentarily to bring you this:

Leech-like creatures from another planet. They exist, though, the hard part is they assume the form of humans thus making it to hard distinguish one of these creatures from a normal person. Nontraditional in form and habit to the annelids and nocturnal neck biters, they are not out for blood. They instead live to suck the life out and waste the time of the individuals who have the displeasure of crossing their path. They attach themselves to a person (a host) and begin a conversion process which happens in 2 stages. Once the stages are complete and all happiness and life is drained from the human host, the non-earthling will keep the body for physical purposes; they only gutted and stripped the human mentally and emotionally (also referred to as the human soul). When a soul is collected, the being will continue to search for more good to destroy in order to fulfill their lust and conquer more as it continues the quest to exist as miserable as possible. Once all smiles are destroyed, the creature will lay dormant for any length of time, usually holed up in a cell that is quite comparable to any number of apartments in Chicago while surviving on delivery food, feed time is generally nocturnal. Noises are often heard from these cells and one can tell the difference between a cell and a normal human domicile as the cell is extremely messy. The creature prefers to shove problems under the rug instead of dealing with reality which makes for quite the mess. At some point it will grow sick of the self-loathing and late night grease and emerge from the cell to consume more of society’s normals without warning.


Once in contact with one of these creatures, the person goes through a conversion process that has 2 stages. During the first stage, the once normal and content human is converted into what is commonly known as a downer. Acquaintances and associates of the once happy individual will notice sharp changes in mood and character within seconds, similar to Jakal and Hyde. Those in the real world will also wonder why the downer requires more than the average hours of sleep during daylight hours, and normal citizens will also be subjected to a high amount of poor excuses and lies, commonly known as bullshit, for the downer has a hard time admitting that he or she has been infected by a nonhuman entity and actually fell for the charm of this species. It is easy to be taken over by these creatures as they have immense knowledge of common human thought and desire. The second part of the conversion is what we on Earth hope to prevent. Stage 2 is when the downer has been transformed into the living dead. They are now a victim of love. Physically they are still able to walk the sidewalks, ride the buses and el, rent and buy homes in all neighborhoods, work, and exist amongst those in regular society. Once the person has joined the ranks of the living dead, or collected souls, they spend the rest of their days wearing blank stares, consumed in thought, and riddled with questions regarding why and how they so freely gave their happiness and life away to a creature that was not deserving. At this point in the conversion, infection has reached the brain so the mental capacity that regular people often take for granted is no longer functioning. Meanwhile, the living dead now severely bum out everyone they come in contact with on a daily basis in what scientists think may be an attempt to preform a mass downer, or Stage 1, conversion.

Combat Against the Eternally Discontent:

We believe the eternally discontent come from the planet No Fun. Information on the habits and life of the Fun Sucker (scientific name for the inhabitants of planet No Fun) is vast as America does have the best minds, top researchers, and expert scientists in the field collecting data which they pass along to the general populous. We have also been informed that the creature often associates erections with love. Although a lot is known about the life of the creature, there is little knowledge about what exactly happened or happens on the planet No Fun, but it is apparent that the planet is in fact no fun and those from the planet love to suck. In past battles, humans have been victorious when using wooden stakes, gamma and heat ray guns, proton packs, and preforming exorcisms but remember, this is a nontraditional being and although we do know they thrive on wasting others time and life, we are still not clear on their motivation for doing so. The only weapon that can be used effectively in order to win the battle against these creatures is the human brain. We do see a pattern in the behavior of the being in which the human brain is attacked and reprogrammed first so the only thing a human can do for defense is keep thinking and recognize the species before it strikes. By using the brain, a person can see through the false charm and realize the true motivation of the creature. They can then deny the creature gratification and validation rendering it helpless in it’s pursuit of unhappiness. The person can then move on and tell the tale of their encounter with the alien being while commonly referring to it as: douche bag, psycho, creep, asshole, basket case, bed wetter, whack job, and she’s like that girl, you know that one…the one from the Lifetime movie.

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You Don’t Need X-Ray Glasses To See What’s Going On Here:

Okay you asked for it. I arrived at the restaurant first and when I see what is obviously him walking towards me, I think, first OMG! and then second, why isn’t he married? He was gorgeous. All tall and lanky and Armani suit with a Hermes tie and a 100 watt smile. Utterly adorable. He orders wine and he orders the souffle so it will be ready for dessert and I mean we hit it off mega big time! We become an item, together, the envy of all of my friends. Except for some crazy jealousy on his part: keeping me up all night grilling me about do I still have a single state of mind or not? And how many men have I slept with in my life? And then running out of my brother’s roommate from Yale who is in town for a Yale reunion and staying in my guestroom because he mentioned something my man thought was disrespectful…