Running into exes can be, how do I put this, really awkward. It was decided that neither of you could commit to each other so the commitment was made to go your separate ways. Seems simple enough but sticking to it can prove to be, and how do I put this, impossible at times. People are creatures of habit so not falling back into the same routine is a hard. You shared a significant amount of time with another person and whether it is realized or not, emotional attachment was made along with any number of other dependencies that were intentional or unintentional. It’s like some kind of weird wiring that fused overtime and it binds two people together. Then there are cases of faulty wiring. He cheated on me, she lies, he needs therapy, she’s crazy, he’s a deadbeat, she’s a gold digger, she needs me to take care of her, he would be lost otherwise and the list of negative aspects goes on and on and on. After all, negativity is easy. With such a list of desirable qualities it boggles my mind as to why someone would put up with such behavior. Maybe they have a lot of time to waste or maybe they like challenging projects (like raising a child but far less rewarding and more ridiculous seeing as the child is of or well above voting age). To be honest, I can’t really follow any of the logic let alone make heads or tails out of any of it. When I tried I found myself attempting to solve some kind of relationship Rubik’s Cube. That is when I decided to do some Heartbroker field research on the subject and the best place I could see fit was the bar of a thousand broken hearts and probably the best judge of character on the north side. I heard many tales and spoke to all walks of life. Across the board (no matter sexual orientation, gender, age, or relationship status) all participants had the same answer: the guy or girl they are/ were with said ‘…but I love you.’ Not just I love you, but I love you. Hmmmm… Let me try:

Honey, while you were out of town I traded in your car for $5000 cash and then turned around and blew all the money on impulse QVC buys and at a strip club. Subsequently, I have to buy Valtrex and go to the doctor once every two months so I will also need to get on your insurance…but I love you.

Yeah, I don’t see that working out very well. In fact if my girlfriend were to just let that go I think I would have to end the relationship. I’m big on fairness and not a fan of selfish actions so I would hope my girlfriend feels the same. So, I am lead to believe people use the ‘But I Love You Card’ to avoid responsibility for their own actions. Had I known this I could have avoided a lot of detentions in my formative years. Plus throwing the L word around is not something you should do freely. Yes, it feels good to say it and yes, you should say it if you mean it. When you do say it, just remember the other person is listening so no matter what happens from that moment on (marriage, break-up, drunken hook-up, argument, best friends), someone said love. Alright, moving on…

Now, we all have a set type: physically, mentally, emotionally, dependency-wise. There are a number of categories that people look for and with the help of break-ups and love gone awry, people know what they want from each category and all the bits and pieces make up their ideal mate. If she has x, y, and z then that would work out well for me. If he is more a, b, and c then yeah, this is going get me and us nowhere. It’s the actions and reactions that are stored in the brain and when the eyes and ears see and recognize the traits of the last lost love in the potential new love, the senses immediately send a message to the brain. The brain takes the message and deciphers the coded body language and words that entered the head. Once the message center and the central thought center have met and put all clues and words together they type a new report (I know this sounds like a long process but it usually only takes a second or two) and they shoot that report to the heart. The heart beats once or twice (the beats are really Morse Code) and the code is received by the message center and once again decoded and the central thought department activates one of two buttons: the panic button or the relax button. Once either of the buttons are hit, the eyes get the final message and the reaction is either turn a way or feel free to gaze deeper. Hoping that the relax button is hit, you are set. You have moved on from the last person. The new person was obviously better than the last which is what brought you two to the point of reading signs and waiting for the a decision. Assuming no flight or fight response is needed, you and the new person can move on. It feels pretty good. Even though life as you knew it stopped the moment the break-up happened this new person reminds you that life in fact did not stop and that it’s nice to have you back. The last what’s-her/his-face is now officially on their way out of your brain and your heart and possibilities seem endless.

I can’t say I hold anything against any of my exes. People are people and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. I have run into…um, shit I am blanking here….you know, what’s-her-face on more than one occasion. Usually small talk, what are you up to now, what am I up to now sort of stuff. They only thing I can hope for is that she is happy. It is a good idea to leave it on good terms and avoid getting hit on every and all levels like the guy in this story. Hint: make sure your ex doesn’t work at the restaurant you are going to and as far as your date, you may want to check a couple things (Adam’s Apple comes to mind) before a night on the town…

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Where The Laughs are Hers and His and His

My worst dating story goes like this: I arrive at her house by bus because I don’t have a car. I am running late and when I arrive she answers the door and calls me by the wrong name. I notice but we move on. We decided to go to a restaurant of her choosing and I find out my ex is a waitress there. As luck would have it, we are seated in her section… .