I think I am going to change the regular formula on this entry. There will be no story at the end because I did hear one of the best break-up stories on Friday night so what I will do instead is add that to the regular entry and then plea for people to submit good date stories. The inbox is flooded with bad date stories and I am beginning to think that everyone is totally capable of fucking up a relationship or date so to change it up a bit I will post some good stories once they start coming in. So what is the reason for the fucking up when it comes to a relationship? There are a billion reasons but it always comes back to one person wants out and they are so close to wits end that they will do anything to get out. A dishonorable discharge? Awesome! Yes please (I’m talking about the Army here, not one of those discharges when you go to use the bathroom the morning after a one night stand. There is nothing honorable about those either). Anyway, one of the people just feels stuck, their mind’s eye is looking forward and there is a feeling of impending doom. All those warning signs, patterns, and changes made during the relationship all of a sudden make the magic 8 ball in your head rattle a bit and when the triangle floats to the window ‘All Signs Point To No”. Shake your head again and it reads “Not Possible!” One more time and we see “Seriously, Get Out Of Here!!” Then one more time for good measure…. and the 8 ball reads “Ask Again Later” which only allows the same answers to repeat again and again and cause a person to just stand there shaking their head. Yeah, it’s enough repetition to drive a person insane so for the sake of sanity, just give the talk and move on. The talk is always important. That is when the real lessons are learned but before the real lessons are learned, both people have to know themselves. If you are on the receiving end it is stated why the relationship not going to go any further and how no one involved is going to benefit from the other person. If you are on the giving end of things then you obviously have a the same train of thought (no one here is happy) but you just saw it first. It sucks because you have to explain that case to the other person and sometimes they don’t want to listen. Well, for the sake of your sanity and time you have to make them listen and make all points clear. It’s kind of weird, all you want to do is a simple action (leave) and yet you have to explain your case like it is the trial of the century. It actually might be a good idea to come into the room before giving the final words with a dry erase board, some files, a few witnesses, and some surprise evidence, as everyone loves a twist or two in the case.

So breaking up is hard, that’s really not a new revelation but the longer it drags on the more you just stand there watching other people enjoy themselves while you are stuck like some kind of love prisoner, caged by feelings that sooner or later you are not going to think twice about hurting so the sooner the better. Really, learn what you can from the person early on, make some choices, stick to your guns, and get out or if it’s great and you can’t really imagine it getting bad, have the other talk. You know, the determining the relationship talk. For this speech you want to come equip with 2 dry erase boards, 3 different markers, some charts on feelings, more witnesses including an expert witness with a high degree in the field of love, and some video or photo evidence. Either way, keep the number for Pie-Eyed Pizza handy because it is going to be a long night.
Alright so say everything is going great, when is a good time to have the talk to determine where to go with the relationship. I have heard 2 months is good, 2 and a half if definitely alright, and 3 months if you are really scared because by that point the other person is wondering what the hell it is your doing and they are about to bail come month number 4.

Back to the reasons:

1. It could be change. You are trying to change someone who is wondering why you would want changes made considering why you liked them in the first place.
2. The relationship is built on some kind of false specialness. This could be sexual, the fact that the only interest you share is the same bar, books, or movies.
3. You are so much more different from the other people that the person usually dates but the fact is made apparent that they can’t step out of the comfort zone and/or the novelty has worn off.
Granted, you can get one of those where the person is different, the sex is top notch (seriously dude, it’s like a porn), and common interests on popular culture are shared but those things are all related in some way or another. Unless 2 of them snap together, you may be doomed. You have a relationship built on some very shaky ground. Games are played, excuses made, you are on one page and they are on a different chapter. Let me shake the magic 8 ball again and yeah, magic 8 ball says “1 in 10 Chance That You Are Totally Fucked!!!!”
Granted with love and relationships and candy hearts anything is possible but that would take a dreamer and not a person that will ask you to change, not compromise, but change and you can’t force change. The act alone is asking someone to present your feelings and commitment when you may not be in fact ready to own up to feelings or state you stance. The worst part is the change asked is usually somewhat superficial but the choice rather to do or not do is being judged in a court more powerful than the Supreme Court. It’s being tried in the Court of Love. (Can I start with the judge jokes, your honer? You’re on-her…get it?). Now if both people in the relationship are dreamers…well then, the possibilities are endless. (All signs point to “You Finally Found A Keeper! About Time!). Until all signs point to yes in your head, you are left with the stupid break-ups and the stupid ‘who wins games, most notably who calls or texts the other first. Tip: erase the number because they will break down and text and then you can always ignore the text or text back and ask who this is again. Power restored.
Oh yeah, I totally left the story out. So Friday night I met up with a friend I haven’t seen in a while, two actually but one was in town and the other lives in Chicago but I don’t get to see as often as I used to. Anyway, she tells us about how over the holidays her and her boyfriend are visiting her family where he surprises her with a trip to Mexico. It’s winter and Chicago, how could you possibly pass up a trip to a Mexican beach while staying in a five star resort? The answer: well, he sucked so bad and I really meant to break-up before the holidays but didn’t get around to it. Anyway, the guy throws the tickets on the table, everyone in the room is excited and, as luck would have it, her wide eyes are taken as an “OMG!” expression. She was thinking “oh my god!” but more in the vein of “shit, I can’t go there with you” sort of way. So the next day, 5 hour trip back to Chicago. The first 15 minutes in she turns the radio down and gives the speech. Speech is over in 5 minutes leaving 4 hours and 35 minutes of driving. In silence. She is relieved, at least for a moment and then realizes ‘Oh shit! We are not even to Gary yet and I just broke up with my boyfriend.’ The best part is no one touched the radio dial. That became the phone call, or the power exchange. Who will be the first to touch the button. Well, no one touched it. Basically four hours in a car with a guy you just broke up with and the next words exchanged are “Alright, thanks for the ride.” Actually, I think that is a pretty good thing to say at the end of any relationship.

Alright, so I did some research on myself recently. Turns out that according to the Chinese Zodiac I am a dog and then if you fuse that with the newspaper/ whatever dot com sign I am a Pisces thus making me a Water Dog. All characteristics check out pretty good. It’s the first time I have ever researched it but yeah, it is all pretty much true. It kind of made all my fuck off, let’s just be friends, you’re completely crazy, wow! I really like you speeches make a lot of sense. And, as true to the Water Dog, the weather is awesome, it is a time of change and the back deck along with some cold ones and a lot of newly burned cd’s are waiting my arrival.
Submit those good date stories, not asking for a marriage story here but just make it aware that there are those in Chicago capable of getting together and having a good night. Please submit the story right………………………………… here.